The 5 Relationship Commitments
Commitment sounds like effort. It sounds boring and dull.
Yet total commitment is easier than partial commitment.
We're always committed. But what we commit to determines the level of quality of our relationships. Here's what I suggest we should commit to...
Transcript
Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. So tonight, we were talking about the five commitments and the five commitments that we have to be committed to in order to have the relationship of the quality that we warm. And the idea is that we have those commitments so that we're not forever judging each situation individually, so that we know what we're committed to and what conditions we're committed to them under.
And so the commitment, the five commitments are to build a relationship of equals based on trust, respect and kindness, to learn what it takes to make a relationship work. To take complete responsibility for your relationships. To commit to choosing a partner based on the qualities and their ability for a long term successful relationship and a commitment to to being the quality of partner that you expect. And so the the idea is that if you have the commitment to those, those become your boundaries, those become your the standards that you aspire to, and so that you're able to nip problems in the bud.
OK, so welcome, everyone. So the topic tonight we've got is the five commitments and basically. The the idea is that. One hundred percent commitment is easier than 99 percent. Okay, so before we actually start with the main topic, I'm just going to run through expectations. And if anyone is new to the meeting and insight of what's going to we're going to do ahead. So the whole point of this group is to having a safe place to honestly discuss relationships.
So everyone's opinion is valid. No one's opinion dominates. It's not about being right. It's just about having a place, a safe place, that we can discuss relationships in a way that maybe we wouldn't with people that we see in our everyday life. There's no stupid questions. Everyone's anything that you could be struggling with, other people who can act out as well. It's always good to clarify and redefine. So how it works is in the main room, we have a discussion this the audio is recorded and so then you can catch up on any time that you've missed out on the breakout rooms are private, so that doesn't get recorded.
And I want his other than the people that you're discussing with. If you can if you can have it, Kameron, because this is a person-to-person interaction, it just makes people feel better, especially in the break room. Some people feel some people feel uncomfortable and it's going to change how people perceive you if you don't have your camera on, because people are going to think, who am I talking to? So, of course, there are reasons sometimes because of bandwidth, because of where you are and what you do.
You can't if you can in the breakout room. If you just explain to people why you can't have the camera on you or you don't have the cameraman, OK? So I think that's most of it. If there's any problems in the breakout room, if you leave, I'll be in the main room and I can reassign you. I'm going to put a link in the chat later. That's for any feedback, comments or suggestions. OK, so let's start with the main the main topic, so the topic is the five commitments.
And so basically this is about. The fact that if you haven't made a decision is tyring to make decisions, so if you. Wait until you see how you feel, you end up never going to the gym, you end up eating the cake, you end up buying the impulse buy. And in the same way, with dieting and relationships, it means that if you go to a dating site and you're not really committed to it, you're going to give up when you have a bad interaction in a relationship, which means it's more stressful because you're always thinking, am I in this relationship or am I not?
Would I you should I leave? Is the grass greener? So you always have to make like one different decisions. And research shows us that making a decision is tiring. And so the less decisions we have to make, the more energy we have for the big decisions. So in a blog post, I share some information I shared about Barack Obama and Mark Zuckerberg and Steve Jobs, who basically made the decision to always wear the same thing. And they wore the same thing because it meant that they never had to make a decision about what they were going to wear.
So they had the energy freed up for the big decisions. So. If you have basically the gist of the article I wrote was if you have if you make Clear-cut decisions, it means you never have to make a decision whether to change the game, whether it's about whether to do this or to do that, whether you're in the relationship or not, it means that you just get on and do it. And most of our energy and most of the anguish in relationships is about my decisions.
So. Yet I don't believe that you will, you always need to. Relationships are going to be conditional because. You're not in a bad or a good decision then. Because you say that it's tiring, but it's also sort of. There's a need, a desire to make a good decision, so time spent thinking about and weighing up the consequences of making the decision, is that not worthwhile just to make a good decision yet?
Definitely. So. For example, I think there was there was a spate of there was a time like the 80s and 90s when. All business groups that were basically taking what was in the Japanese style of business of Khoisan and continuous improvement and things like that, and basically one of the differences when they go over their ideas, they didn't always work because there is a different culture. And one of the important parts of the Japanese culture is that it seems to be that they all agree.
But actually, they spend a long time before they make the decision in private discussing it. And they they hear all sides of this, quite a lot of diversity in the way that they make the decision. But then once they made the decision and they all agreed to it. So, yes, I think you should make it. You need to spend a lot of time on working out what the right decision is and obviously should review it sometimes. But I think and really what I've done in the five commitments that we're going to talk about is.
What I believe are the keys to the key decisions to commit to so. I think you should make a decision, but with that is conditional. So people want unconditional love, but the reality is humans for the most part, are capable of that and.
If someone I don't think anyone should stay in a relationship where there's abuse, where there's violence, where there's control, where there's manipulation. So I think there needs to be clear. Boundaries of what what is unacceptable? But what you don't want to be making a constantly remaking the decision is. I don't feel so great today. Am I am I still in this or this person is more attractive and maybe I've got a chance with them should, you know, chopping and changing because that kind of chopping and changing is always going to is never going to lead to lasting happiness.
So it's really yes, so there's a lot a lot of build up to make the decision and to be clear. And yes, you can change the decision. Because as we evolve and as we change, we get more clarity and we can make better decisions. So I think. The what would they now is who go to small breakout rooms. To actually start for one minute. And think about how does this apply in your life? So for some of us, it's going to be.
So, for example, I've been trying to give up sugar and I've mostly given up I've given up chocolate, but sometimes it's like you had you've had dinner and you really feel like a cake or a biscuit. And that's the worst time to make a decision. So that's really my plan. So some people decide to exercise light based on how they feel and then they go to work and they are not too tired. And so they end up never going to the gym.
Some people go out and make a decision to buy something when they shopping based on whatever it feels like a good deal of the time. For a lot of people dating, it's like they get a couple of bad. They have a bad experience, they have a bad message and they go, dieting doesn't work. I'm giving up. And in relationships, it's they have a bad day. They're not feeling good about their partner in that day, that week.
And so they decided maybe I'll be better in a different relationship. So we'll take one minute to think about how does this apply to your life? What area are you making decisions based on how you feel in the moment? Is this exclusively for relationships or does any of you know, first of all, is to think about any area so it could be excited to be. It could be money, work, whatever. OK, everyone's back and you can meet everyone again by yourself so we can arm yourselves one at a time to talk.
Anyone got any question, comment or insight in that on that concept, on the idea of making a decision up front al-Qaida's. I think it's good to have a balance of being disciplined or organized the way I tried to perceive it that you were saying, Rob, is it's not good to be doing everything off a boss. Believe maybe that's disorganized or. It's got to be organized, put. Is it because some people might be very old and too organized to planned a robbery relative, you said tossed you out for a pint tonight, a bit like I always do in Washington.
Would I always go to the gym on a Monday? And these very little flexibility, not friends, family, potential partner, it can disrupt things and make things not as good as they could be. They could be better if you don't be flexible with people. I described I knew a female friend. It was very organized about chores and this is my day off. I always do my washing on my day off. She was like not my friends, but she was like potentially meet someone as well.
Well, I told her myself, I said. A year later, two years later, I said, I've seen changes in you that when you're texting me. It seems as if he'd been more flexible with this new leaders on this aid, an hour to go because I wasn't interested, but I said I see it seems as if you're not being so rigid with that person. Maybe that's because it's more of a person that you think they might be the one and you, whereas all the people you did, either it was you or the Arab or you're willing to make that more effort to be more flexible.
And I still think there's a good balance between being organized, because sometimes it's good because if you're organized and it can accommodate other things, if it was organized tonight, you could say right. Teased or dressed. And I asked myself and then some somebody randomly might say, well, and the good old days, do you want to come to the pub randomly? But you might say no, sorry, I've still got potatoes. Are you Zarganar? You might have the night free.
I'll be that flexibility and doing things on impulse switch date where Rob actually go. Text does talk about oh, we hadn't planned it. As the most disorganized and spontaneous person, I am fully with you, I think it is it just for the big decisions, for the real, really important things. I think this is like you make those ahead of times. But I'm just going to bring in Catherine CACC. Good to see you here. Yeah, thank you.
Thank God they worked out for me. So what came up for me that I think it will definitely free me up to have time and energy to make bigger decisions is to predetermine what I'm going to have for breakfast and and dinner, because I don't really I don't have a preference. It will just make my life easier. But I really care about lunch. So then lunch will be a little more flexible. And every day I have something different, but I might have a theme.
Mondays is Taco Monday since I could do it their way and they just do it that way. But that can be applied to anything else. The things that are not as important and that we do a lot of marriage, why not have it set? So then when something big comes up, then we already have the energy and excited to do it. And also we have flexibility. Our own schedule is our own decision. So something changes. You have the freedom to say, I changed my mind or I have something planned, but because that sounds more fun, I want to do this.
Yeah, I think. I've had that kind of thinking about like if I if I set a time when I'm going away, I don't always have to make the decision because otherwise I'm sitting there and I'm working and I'm thinking pretty hungry, really fancy. Three and half the time is an excuse to get out of. You like to procrastinate. Alan.
Yeah, I remember about 14, something like that, I was I was on a bus to school and basically the stop before school was where the shots were. And it was it must have been like the longest space between bus stops in the world. It was massive, about four miles. So it was a big decision. Do I get off and get a chocolate bar and not walk to school or do I go to school?
And by the time it made my decision, I realized I was actually off the Boston. I couldn't believe it. I was like, wow, what's going on there? And so I automatically taking myself off the bus because the impulse of the chocolate bar was more important than the war. The school. Well, I've never forgot that because I think it's an important thing of. It's did it automatically and I think where we come, where it will lead to potentially and this is the automatic thinking, because if something is we breed automatic, we are happy to automatically.
And. Thinking, as you said, it only requires requires energy, and even if we know what we're going to have for our economy, we know what we're going to work already.
Then those decisions don't take away the energy. And I suppose we can then apply the energy elsewhere in our lives. I say in the group that I despise going to Japan when I will put it off and put it off and put it off. Well, I do spend a lot of time thinking about what will have me saying, you know, I asked for of food, I think it definitely is definitely something to it. And I think maybe getting some sort of balance in place would leave people in a better place more.
Hello, Fresh really worked for me with food. Because they just give you you just pick them up a couple of weeks in advance and then it's just which pack Imran is Imran.
Maria, it's Maria. Sorry, it's my surname. Yeah.
So I'd love to I forgot his name, but the person who said about the balance between being organized and...
