The Enchantment Dating Strategy
In this Meetup we discussed the Enchantment Dating Strategy. As usual we veered through a wide range of topics and brought a range of views and perspectives to the debate.
Transcript
So our topic tonight is the Enchantment Dating Strategy.
What was the discussion like in the breakout rooms?
We came up with some things, we came up with stuff, but I think it was a little bit of a struggle. OK, so what was the general consensus about approaches on dating?
I think they were quite good at pointing out things that didn't work, but I'm not sure we could actually come up with anything great.
OK, OK then. So that might be a good approach.
So what didn't work like? Definitely big challenge that they put people on the spot. So in real life I think it was very well.
I could imagine that being some some awkward situations.
I was coming to the workplace in a toxic male environment from a woman says he was the last piece Sandra was coming from a woman in a toxic male environment like a me.
That's speech. So embarrassing. Publicly embarrassing. Yes, yes, yes.
Point of the question that how you come across it makes a difference to whether you would be a pain in your heart to someone.
Sorry. Can you say it again, Betty? Yeah.
What's the point of the question? Was that how you come across to someone, but also whether you're appealing or not?
Not necessarily the point. The question was what approach is attractive?
Because it may be that someone comes with the perfect approach and yet you still aren't attracted to them and you're not going to get into a relationship with someone you're not interested in. But it's too to learn from good examples and from that. Nothing for me, sorry, the Sheila for me. The environment was important, so for me, you know, it's I wouldn't mind being picked up in a bar in the bar.
Can I just pause you there a moment, Sheila?
I'm just going to mute everyone because you got some background noise and then if you can answer yourself.
Yes, sorry about that. That's OK. So saying for me, being approached in a bar is not my ideal environment to be approached, because I tend to think if you're being approached in a bar, it's just. And I stereotyping here, I know it's like a guy on the make, you know, it's not after a serious or, you know, looking to be in a relationship. He's he's looking for a pick up. So that, for me, is completely off putting.
Sorry, can I come in there a little bit? It's funny you say that because I think the complete opposite.
I'm actually saying to the people of my great courtroom that quite often it's the environment for me as well, the place I don't really appreciate somebody approaching me. I mean, for example, I don't own the street or supermarket or places that I'm perhaps not open to being approached. But I find that if I go to a restaurant or a bar or a pub, then I I'm a bit more open to being approached. Whether that person is doing it, just like you said, someone on the make or just whatever, I try to ascertain that in the conversational in their approach to me and take it from there, really.
So it's it's funny that you say that I just sort of base it on the fact that I don't feel so confident to receive attention in certain places, that I don't feel comfortable in a bar situation.
OK, well, I feel more open because I feel like I wouldn't mind in that sort of environment restaurant. It's not an issue, which is interesting. Sheila, really interesting case for you. So would you be more open to sort of receiving an approach sort of in the supermarket, for example, or on the street?
No, probably not. Again, like you said, I'm guess I'm not expecting it. I guess, you know, if it was, say, at a dinner party, a friend's house or, you know, even in a restaurant. And I think it's probably my own hang up that, you know, I'm I don't really drink drink occasionally. And for me being in a bar, I'm probably there with a friend. But secondly, I guess, is the fact that I don't drink.
I feel as if I don't feel a bit for fraud, impostor being in a bar. So I'm not comfortable in my own skin in that environment anyway.
OK, ok, that's interesting. So from both, they said it is individual and where you feel comfortable, but it's about feeling comfortable. Is where you're going to be more confident with the approach and more receptive?
It is it is absolutely for me the case, I think so I think to be receptive to an approach, I think you have to have. Confidence in you, I think, dare I say, attractiveness in that environment, and although in a bar I may I may have dressed, you know, I feel my self-esteem may be there and my confidence might be there, but just. I still feel this imposter syndrome being in a bar. That's very interesting.
Where their location doesn't bother me. The person bothers me. So I couldn't care less. It could be anywhere and it has been any and everywhere, so, you know, so but it's the person so I zero in on the person.
So is that the person that's attractive or the person that you makes you feel comfortable with the approach?
A little bit of both. Yeah, because if I think if I think you're creepy or just totally off, I just can't I don't like you. No matter how good the introduction or the opening lines or whatever the circumstances are, it's not happening. I'm not going there.
It's the gut feel, I think. Yeah. And I've had and I've had pretty interesting topics and invitations as I told my group, some of them and the person, no, it's not happening.
I don't like you.
It brings to mind two situations, two approaches I've experienced. One was I was in a park in Sydney when I was travelling and I got approached by this guy who there was nobody else in this park or very few people out of nowhere. This guy appeared. And so I started chatting up, OK, this is really creepy. So I got out of that situation pretty sharpish. And then there was another time I was in in a museum in New York.
And it was actually my last day. And I was actually trying to get to this museum and see this exhibit before I had to get to the airport. And I was approached by a guy that worked there. He was like security. And I was like he was actually having a really interesting conversation. But I was, you know, I knew I had to leave within, like the hour because I was literally on the way to the airport. And so, again, it was, again, gut feel, the environment, a gut feel.
One of the things that's kind of picking up, which you find quite interesting, is the discussions about environment and also how the environment is influencing somebody else's or the person who's approaching intense. Because the intent is basically what that patient is wanting by speaking to somebody else, obviously, in this case we would assume or making out that that person is trying to hash it out on a date or whatever it might be. So how do we. How do we actually know what the intent is, because surely the only true person I ever know is the intent behind any particular action is the person themselves.
So are we not being a bit too restrictive and saying, oh, yeah, because it's about it's there because it's in a park if they're shot, because then she could market it. If the judge thought it kind of like, throw that out there just for some opinions. Alan, what do you mean by intent?
Well, the intent behind us, you know, asking about so you get approached. So I can't remember who it was. But somebody mentioned before that they're not comfortable about being poached in a bar or something like that.
It's because you've got photoperiod and. You're you're kind of the assumption behind that is because you were saying that they might just want to have a one night stand with you or whatever it might be. Well. I don't think that we can assume things like that because the. Life is basically show into chaos that we really don't have any control over what goes on at all. We have little control of ourselves, so we have even less control over other people.
And by control, what I mean is by controlling the situation. So we believe in that case that that person is as God and negative intentions. It's not what we want. And therefore we're going to reject it because that's what we we assume. But I don't think we can assume things just because of the environments that we're in. And I think that kind of this and this is just my opinion, I think that kind of blocks the truth, because the only way you're going to find out is to engage in conversation, OK, if that person turns out to be a shlaim or what makes it clear that the the just after the one night stand will.
Fair enough, but I don't think it's right to just dismiss on the basis of environments only. But sometimes you have an interaction with somebody and it's not serious, it's just a hello or there is just some a bit of some kind of an attraction, but it's not going to go anywhere. It's just a bit of flirting. It's hello, you know, whatever. And you move on. I don't think every interaction is necessarily going to turn out to be something.
Serious are, you know, it's going to go any further. It's just another human being trying to connect with another human being. And hi. Hello. And you smile or whatever it is. I remember walking somewhere. I was going to a meeting somewhere in London, and I'm busy walking to get to my meeting. And this gentleman is coming on the pavement and I'm focusing on getting there. And he passed me. And somehow I just thought, what's going on here, because he was looking at me and I turned around and there he was, he stopped, he was looking at me and he was shaking his head and he was just doing this.
And I just looked at him and smiled and said, yeah, OK, good one. And that was it. There was nothing there for him to. He never wanted anything from me. I didn't want anything from him. It was just hello in it, you know, and two people passing by. And a smile. And I think you don't read anything into that, it's just a pleasant day, it's just another human being and you feel that you've connected with somebody in some way.
And I think sometimes if we were too restrictive, we don't even allow ourselves to see to acknowledge another person in a pleasant way, because we are thinking that they want something from us all the time and maybe they don't. It's just. I see you, I like what I see. I think you might be a nice person, so hello. And that's it, you know, so I'm just saying that to say that there are different types of interactions and there are different levels of interactions and most of them are not going to be.
Lead into a relationship of any kind.
But they do enrich us, I think so sometimes we shouldn't just see look at look at another person as a potential date, a potential.
My right, my one and only my. Made to be. I think it's a debate to just no answer to it, and you'll never find there's no right or wrong. I mean, in my experience, you've got guys I was trying to tell the story, but we got switched back into the main room.
What was why suddenly 14 years ago. And he uses that as an excuse to to empower women and chat them up with move on to the next. And he's doing it about five times. Unbelievable. But then there's also women in the group that, you know, the pretty the bad guys, and they spend the night getting drinks bought for them all night and they go from guy to guy, getting a free night all the time, free meal, free drinks and people like us, honest people even in the middle of all those sharks.
And it's hard. It's difficult. And when you've been divorced and you're thrown in the middle of it, it's soul destroying. And when you don't get to the last thing you need is that because he's just you just being taken by shock all the time. And it's awful. And for someone who's got a low confidence anyway, it can it can really it can really knock you down. I don't know anybody else thinks about be creative.
Don't go to a bar, go go to a park, take a picnic lunch and go and sit in the park and chat. Don't go to a bar and spend all your money buying drinks for ladies who are not interested in you. Go for a walk. It's free.
Yeah, yeah. I have a the plane and my wife and I decided that I was going to say why I'm so grateful for the fact that violence is all the rage for the purpose. Stop this...
