The Power of Alignment

Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips.

So tonight, we're talking about the power of alignment and in the break, I have been discussing where what area of life fills most out of line for you. And I think alignment is something that we're constantly in and out of alignment. And being in alignment in one area probably pushes you out in another. And it's a case of constantly being back to getting back to alignment. The title is The Power of Alignment. OK, so does anyone want to share where she was out of line for them at the moment?

Or anything that came up in discussions, I think that was right at first. I think we felt that there was it's interesting that you say that that element in one area of your life can push out alignment's and another because two people had two different views, which probably somewhat related, which is the alignment with friendships and friends and the alignment of lovers and and romantic relationships. And the question really was, is some of those related? Because I feel that this seems to be misalignment in both of us.

There's certainly a case where you find that you friendships that you've had have changed. And because they change, we we're evolving people. So somebody who you're friends with 10, 20 years ago can sometimes not even recognize. And the same goes for people you've been in a relationship with. You kind of find that in life's journey, you've lost that connection.

And without being able to maintain that connection, you see the possibility of alignment that you would have had with those people. Yeah.

Yeah, I think that's true. I'm going to talk about that a little bit in a minute. But yeah, I think there's a reason why one gets pushed out, and I think the key to alignment is really is about being able to realign yourself. Sometimes you can't sometimes you do change as a person and it no longer works together. OK, thank you for that.

Anyone else we are talking about? The impact of one thing on other aspects of your life and trying to figure out which one it is, that actually would be the biggest shift, because there there's more than one thing that you could look at as sort of creating this imbalance, but which actually is at the root of it that might impact on the others, that sort of domino effect. And we. Both thought that. If you can be secure in your financial arrangements, whatever they may be, for example, in my case, it's resulted in divorce and all of the things that come with that property and so forth, and having that resolved, that would have a knock on effect in several areas.

And so that to both of us is would be the the thing that would probably have the biggest impact. The other things, because even if you got into a relationship that on its own doesn't fix the other things, if you know what I mean. Whereas having that for me, for example, resolving that would also mean that officially it technically separated. And that husband is no longer my husband technically on my own. So two things would happen at the same time, which means that then.

I would be freer in any relationship that I would embark on in the sense of not having to always be explaining why I am in a halfway house. I think that's what you would call me, you. All right. So that's what I'm referring to when I see one thing sort of has a domino effect on all of us. Yeah, yeah. And for sure, it's pretty much being financially secure would answer a lot of things as well as a general question.

How much agreement over what we meant by being in alignment, is that quite clear or for afterwards hadn't really spelled out? I wondered if it was clear to everyone that was one of the things that was brought up in the break out. My definition of that would be the alignment is where you're in aligned with your highest goals or your version of yourself or what you're working towards. So, for example, if you're a vegetarian and you start dating a burger muncher, it's probably out of alignment or, you know, if you're saving, but then you see a brand new pair of shoes for two hundred pounds and you have to have them.

That's going out of alignment. So I don't know if that's what you meant. But to me, when I feel out of alignment, this means, hold on, I'm not heading in the right direction and I'm not going towards my goals.

OK is a good explanation as anyone. Does anyone have a different view of what alignment is for?

And that's interesting what I'm hearing from Kai, because it makes sense, actually. So I wasn't really looking at that. I didn't even think like that. I just looked at the alignment in the physical sense that I can see that I don't have friends around me and anything nice about it. And so for me, that's what I regarded as the alignment. Is it alignment between the two sense of the word would be more more profound is made more deeper.

Is it that. That's a good question. Anyone else have a different view? Because I'm going to share in a moment the way I see it. I'm interested in people's perceptions of alignment.

I think it's about kind of knowing what I want to be with something and not quite being then working on it or not knowing where to start to get the.

Yeah, in a nutshell, for me, it's a sense of imbalance, possibly more like a commodity. And we need to know what we need to know.

Yeah, OK.

We did have a view. It was a kind of thing that were always in alignment, but it just depends which direction you want it to go so you could be aligned. So if you've got negative thoughts or whatever, and then you you could be aligned to go that way. Yeah, yeah. It's just like a direction, as Carl kind of mentioned. But I do think it could be in a negative without the purpose of it being on the negative.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's very true. I think you're always aligned with something, but it's what you going with.

Yeah. Which direction. Yeah.

Okay. All right. So really I see alignment as being. The key determinant of your life. How do you feel? How successful will be in whatever you're doing, and it's really the key to relationships. So it's interesting, so Carlos talked about like a vertical alignment, as in all of the things that you're going for working together, which also is, I think, kind of what Sandra Yanase we're talking about. And then she added to that that it could be in this kind of direction.

So there's I've got three more, but there's I've got about six different areas of alignment. So I think, first of all, the first one is I'd fall under the category of being spiritual. And I by this I don't mean in a sense of being religious or even being particularly overtly spiritual. But I mean that you have to have some context that if life is a game, you've got to have some context of what are the rules you're playing by.

And so that means like it's just really an answer to the big questions of why are we here? What are we doing? Because when we so it's like the evangelist preacher who preaches fire and brimstone and then. After his sermon goes off to the brothel and in his own eyes, since he is slightly misaligned with what he's really professing, is also in spiritual cults where you get someone I'm thinking about, it was like Sai Baba and lots of people like that that were seen to be really enlightened and yet were later and Oshi were later found to be doing things that were completely out of line with what they preached.

So the first one is along with spiritual, as in your sense of what is life about how we did, the second one is with truth and by truth, I mean Alford's, if I can pronounce his name. Kopecky said he was quite deep. My lecture was called Academic Paper on the map is not the territory. And he talks about that. And he represents and that is a representation of the territory, it has to be reductionist because if it's exactly the same, it's just the same as the territory and it's no use to us.

A map is a shorthand way of of knowing where we are geographically, where we need to go. But every map becomes outdated and our map of the world becomes outdated. And so when we. How? Like, whatever we do, evil works or doesn't. And so whatever works for it is really about how aligned, how how aligned what we're doing is with the actual territory. But often we have our own story of what's going to work, and we become so deluded with that that we're out of alignment with the reality of the marketplace, of the people we're working with or whatever.

And so that jarring misalignment is what creates frustration, failure. So the next one is the self, so most of the things that we struggle with, we first have that frustration in ourselves. So like how many people are dating but conflicted about dating? Like, I don't really want to be like this. And so if you look at most of the biggest challenges that we have, health, as in looking after our health, not eating right, exercising regularly, money to save and not spend all of those kind of things, being motivated, not procrastinating, getting ourselves to do whatever it is that we really want to do.

All of that stuff is really where we are out of alignment with ourselves, because all of us have like an angel and a devil when we have the different. Motivations, we want to do this and we want to do this and we feel. Like being stressed is having too much today or having trying to do more than we can. And it's that stretching of we only have so much, we only have so much attention on them. So much time, so much energy.

OK, so that's where misalignment in self and then we're looking at romantic relationships. So. I think as well as having the alignment internally as being true to ourselves, as really following what we want to do. There's also when you look at the alignment in terms of relationships. It's about really being on the same wavelength, so I think the illusion of love is that we merge into this one like I'm visualizing in a circle. Each of us is a circle of what we want and what we feel.

And that and the illusion is that to become one. And they both want exactly the same things and they both agree on everything and they both feel the same about everything. And they never argue. Well, that would actually kill our relationship because it would be stale. Because what what do you have to benefit from? Someone who thinks exactly like you, looks exactly like you at the world, who wants who agrees with everything you say. There's no life coming into it.

So really what it's about is it's like two circles, but there's some overlap. The overlap is the shared vision for the relationship. But the the parts that don't have overlap are where your independent life are and where you bring something different, where you bring some level of conflict to each other. And the key is being on the same wavelength. You have different like infrared and whatever levels of sound or sight or whatever. And we can only see we live in a spectrum.

So I think the wavelength is someone needs to be in all kind of line. So that we can relate to them, someone who's too far away, we can't relate to, we can't respect, we can't we're not able to work together. So for me. The key to a relationship is finding out if you are on the same wavelength, finding out if you have the ability to relate to each other and the ability to and your. Your goals will be helped by aligning with this person and as we've aligning with you so that you work together.

Essentially, it so that you're pulling in the same direction, so you you have your independent life, you have a shared life, but everything that you do is aligned with what's going to help the other person. So if we talk about the other model, like for those that seem to sing, sing, sing, safe, supported, satisfied model, really the alignment is about is what you do. What's the part is dependent and independent. Is that helping the other person and vice versa?

So does that make sense? So the other want to have his work. So it's in terms of. Does your. Does your career really work with everything you value, so someone who so let's use the example of a vegan vegan activist on the weekend, he works in a meat packing factory. Clearly, there is someone who is super into their health but works for a tobacco company or a pharmaceutical company, and they're really into natural foods like natural nutrition and so on.

So it's is the purpose aligned that you can be excited about. It makes motivated about it. Is the culture one that works with you? And again, then it's about can you be on the same wavelength with the people that you work with? So can you be excited about the purpose of the organization and can you do to help them and then reaching their goals? Does that help you?

Carl, I experienced something like this. So there's a small apartment. There was less, I would say, a maximum of 90 seconds walk to the beach and I could just bathe in the ocean whenever I felt like it and walk along. And I could also watch the sunset pretty much every day. It was fantastic. And I only had a certain amount of money that I could stay there. And they built a McDonald's two minutes away and I could have had a job there and I could have lived that life on my days off forever more.

But I just I just couldn't do it because I was into healthy living and fruits and vegetables and really value that how it made me feel. And also I'd learned about how he did Fats actually, and free radicals. And it can be quite a dangerous environment. So I knew and had all this knowledge and I would still be there now if I didn't. So I literally had that choice between culture and life and what was in alignment and what wasn't.

And I could have easily got a job there because as a native English speaker.

So I think really what we're looking to do in life, if we look at if we look at problems that we have in life, we have to look at where we're out of alignment. And so it's it's really the case of, as Jim was talking about earlier, about you get out of alignment and the ability to realign three things.

And I'm just wondering, alignment kind of sounds like values as well. So where would you separate your values versus alignment?

I think values are so values are really the unconscious, unconscious principles that drive what you do because you say life is really lots of different data points and we make those data points of our experience. And if you look at every bit of those data point is like a Lego brick. We make a model. Of those data points, which are like the sum of all of our experiences, all the different parts of the experience. So like if if if we all went on and we all experience something and we all had to go and write about it and we all had to present it back, and if we did it all independently, we'd probably have lots of different viewpoints and people would talk about different elements of that.

And it's because different data points would be more relevant. To different people based on their past experiences. So what we make of life is really like us putting together all those data points in a narrative. So I look is like Lego bricks of building a model. And. The values our values are. The way that are really the way that we Slome. The story that we tell of life, so someone who really values friendship and being a good friend will tell the story in terms of being a good friend of how they were a good friend, someone who really values material success.

So if you look at. Politics, really, you could look at Donald Trump and Donald Trump will talk about material success, I think. I don't follow politics that much, but I think Barack Obama would talk more about. Like a sense of purpose and working together, that kind of thing. But you get the idea that different people will talk about different things because that's what they value. So the values are really how we make them make the Lego bricks up.

So, like, if our values are so, let's I use the example of Lego, but you can make houses. So let's say a little baby Donald Trump, we make houses less. Hamilton would probably make cars the Lego because it is kind of what they're interested in. So value Slome, the way that we see the world, that means like good that the things that are in line with our values are good. Things are out of line with our values about.

So alignment is really about doing things that are in line with that sign in line or aligned. But does that make sense? Am I making sense so far?

And I'm just wondering what you need your values to be. In alignment so that you can be aligned, I know it's kind of hard to say without seeing a line, but do the two go together? It's kind of what I'm really looking at.

Yeah. Okay. So I went the other way round about it. But really what it is, is you need to look at what you really value and the things that you really value. It has to be aligned with what you do, has to be along with the story that you tell. And so if they're out of alignment, then you need to, like, pull apart the model and then rebuild it in a way that is aligned. And that's what you do in a relationship or anything.

It's where we talked about the map is not the territory. The story that we tell is not the reality that there is. And so when we're out of alignment, it's about picking apart. The story that we're telling. To get closer to the territory so that our map is close to the territory and our map is aligned with our values.

So we were looking at Equilar equilibrium then.

OK, so the thing is to go back to going back to what Julian talked about, when you get aligned with one area of life, the other becomes misaligned because what's happened is in getting in alignment with. So let's say that you you get into a new relationship and so you've aligned and you've built the story and you've built the story about what the relationship is going to be. And, yeah, we've got these shared values. And and some of that might not be true, but some of that is how you've put together an excitement of of the situation.

And then you go out and you go back and with your friends now you've changed. Your map has changed, which means that you're going to change in how you relate to everything else. So now you've got out of line with your friends. And so it's really looking like pulling apart the model and seeing. Can you put it back together in a way that you realign or has your alignment? I mean, like in every time that you pull apart the model, we rebuild it, that's an evolution in your operating system and how you how you work.

And so sometimes that shift is too good. That is too great that you can't then relate to the friends because you're in different places. You're on different wavelengths. So it's about understanding, like. Can you pull apart the model and build something better that encompasses that so that you're in alignment more so when you pull out, when you pull apart the model, what you're really doing is blowing it up. So rather than being nice, you'll get bigger so that you're in alignment with more and more and so then so equilibrium.

So there's always a state of equilibrium and it's always like coming out of alignment. Equilibrium. Equilibrium is kind of balance equilibrium. I'm not sure alignment, though, you would be balanced.

Yeah, but as you said, like what people do, they get in a relationship and they put a lot into that relationship, which takes away from somewhere else. And so then to get rid of spices to to to realign with that other area means some of the things like, OK, so you can get into a relationship, can be really excited and emotional about it. And so you maybe take away from your friends, you maybe take away from work, from doing the things that you really like.

And so then I said that, that I think that's where it becomes out of equilibrium. And then eventually that that would be like that. Yeah, that lack of balance. Because one thing when there's conflict in the relationship, then you feel resentful because you've given up all this. So it's about having that and then recognizing where was I just too excited that didn't like was I was misaligned with me, but it was excitement at trying to. Trying to grasp this, so there's a thing that there's always something in front of us, and I think I think this relates I think it was Nicole said something about the alignment in the beginning, which was about who was out in front of us, or that's how I visualized it, that there's always something for us to strive for, but.

I remember listening to talking, I'm not sure which one of his books or podcast or something and he talked about juggling is actually quite easy to learn. But where people don't learn it is because they're juggling and they're trying to catch every ball. And the real art of juggling is throwing them up and letting them fall. Because what happens is when we're stretching to get one, we fall out and then we do so then we become misaligned. And so it's about letting it go wrong at first.

And in the same way, when we're stretching for a relationship, we let other things drop because rather than juggling and letting things drop. So really, if a relationship is going to work, it's because you could get on the same wavelength and be aligned so that you could relate to each other. But what people do is they stretch to make relationship work. And so they don't find out until three years, five years that it's not going to work.

So it's about the alignment of staying in equilibrium. And will that still work, letting letting the ball drop if they don't work a little bit less?

No, sorry, say that is the lesson. Yes, that's how you learn. That's all you can observe like a scientist.

Yeah. And it's not even that. It's that it's that you want a lot of them to fail because you want to get straight to the to can the wavelet can you be on the wavelengths. And the worst thing that people do is they try and make it work by trying. They change who they are, which we told you about before, to make the relationship work. Then the relationship breaks when they when they fit back. So, yeah, it's about you can align with anything.

At a conceptual level, so you can, like, read something and completely disagree with it, but a line like I could understand Donald Trump from his motivations, it doesn't mean that I ever want to be aligned with him. I can understand if you look back at Hitler, I can understand his story and how Germany went for it. But that doesn't mean that I agree with that. And so I think it's useful to be able to align conceptually, like expanding your ability to understand others, but keeping the wavelength of what's right for you to communicate and work with on a more narrow band.

Let's get a little bit of alignment with this conversation. So, one, I think there's been so many analogies, which is great from different perspectives. But let let me use one that was used before, which is we were talking about being in a relationship, going on autopilot by driving, which is very easy to do, whereas it's a more effective model, like a pilot constantly adjusting. So bring it back to this topic, which would be as a pilot, you are getting to a destination, you have a place in mind, and then you are aligned.

You're not going in a straight line necessarily. But even if you would look at it on a map, there's an end point. But you can take detours and different ways. And sometimes we like the scenic route, sometimes not. We need to get there quickly and it needs to get done. But the point is, is that there is a fixed point, a destination, something that you want to get to or some value hold. And I would say it was as simple as that.

And I don't know if it's much more complex, but I appreciate there's been different ways of looking at it.

For me, that's the most analogy of the pilot of going off the thing. I would say that the fixed point. Has to be. Has to be something, not something concrete, but something like a feeling or a value, because what I think where people are wrong is they make the fix point, the relationship, they make the fix point, the relationship with a certain person, and that's where they knock out of alignment. So if we're talking on relationships, love could be the value.

Love could be the destination, feeling supported and understood and loved within a loving relationship. Could be it, but when it's something more concrete, more specific, it's like I think people can sell their souls for I Want to Be a Millionaire or I want to make a fortune, if that's the true north. There's lots of ways you can go wrong and be completely out of alignment.

I'm interested in a point you made earlier when you you're talking about the leg of the deconstruction from time to time to bring yourself back into alignment. In other words, there's constant change. There is as we evolve and it's sometimes we actually throw something out a block out, you know, or we realign them. We put them in a different pattern. We put them into different shapes. Something that was not a priority becomes a priority now, and some things might get left behind.

Now, does that mean that and we may add new things. We may add new bricks as part of that change. Maybe we want to go from the VW to a Mercedes Benz or something. But in that process of change, if you are in a relationship and you are the one who is doing all of that and the other party is static, that in itself, to my mind, brings about its own misalignment. You'll be improving your self alignment, but the relationship becomes the more.

So disjointed, it's out of sync even more because of your evolution and shift.

Yeah, yes. Which means that you shift out of if someone's not someone's not on that same kind of journey, they're not going to add to to you your being able to reach your goals. And it's going to be too much of a stretch. And sometimes people get resentful that, like, I'm the one doing all the work in the relationship. Well, I think it's really you're doing it for you because wherever you stay with them or not, it's you that's going to.

The model that you have, the classical model, is to the territory and then to go back to one of the other marriages, to the then the classic is the territory, the happier you're going to be alone, all with their best. So but, yeah, I think sooner or later in that kind of dynamic, the relationship is going to die and would even if he didn't do that, is just and that is where I think it's about really being in alignment.

Can you relate and can you work together to get what you buy for him? And if it's quite clear, if you can relate that, well, you know, where someone else is going to wants to head and if they're not heading there, then, you know, they're really pulling you one way and you're pulling the other. And so the definition of the partnership is going to work is when you're both pulling in the same direction because otherwise you're carrying a passenger in the same boat.

This is actually to get on me something. And that's basically it's coming back to David talking about the force. Quite often we force our clothes our for the other person rather than just simply invited. And so a little bit. And that data beastmaster open, don't force it open, don't force it to be all that. Just open yourself and they will do a swab because that is appreciation. It's a little bit to show and let enjoy the journey, the experience that I think that's what we all look at.

But instead of watching what is the outcome, the end results because we want instant gratification and the feeling is never to be seen. Our dream, that's just really ideal. But nobody's been ideal. But just one yourself of inspiration is so much more powerful than control. Control kills people in relationships. Inspiration is the way that they're inspired to grow.

I sort of looking at question and following on from what I would like to music. So, for example, you know, if you if you've got a certain feeling for rhythm, know how good it is, go with that. For other people trying to say, oh, no, no, just dance to everything as far as horrible, like to try to dance steps or something or other. Just the big words like I don't know, I still I feel horrible and I have you know, I will leave the dance floor rather than go on with that.

So I don't know about necessarily going with the flow. The point is, is that when that flow actually goes through, you know what's good? That's the direction that helps. But I don't know. I could just kind of if I'm using the same analogy, just stay on the dance floor for things that just, you know, help, I think.

Khonsari Sandra.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. I was just going to add on to that, that sometimes I think we choose to ignore clues. And even from the very beginning, when you meet someone, when you have the least amount of damage to your sense of self and your emotions, if you were to cauterize whatever it is that was happening and just remove yourself. And maybe one of the things that we don't do is actually stop and analyze the things that confront us.

Many of us, I think we still think that it can't be that bad. Maybe it was just X and Y. It's temporary. It will change, or maybe the usual stuff. I can change him or I can change her depending as we go along. And we can we can resolve it. And sometimes those things we see them and we know that we can't cope with them, but we still persevere. I think we're wasting a lot of energy when we do that sometimes.

And so the misalignment is there from the very beginning. It's not something that arrives down the line. We actually start with that as a disadvantage.

Yeah, yeah. I think it's I think the problems in a relationship that were the beginning. But like you say, it's it's it's about looking back to the question. It's about being honest, I think there's three ways that we can have alignment, and that is dogma, as in we follow someone else's story, which isn't true from emotional bias, because we so much wanted to work with so attracted to this person. We we think they have free the five key things that we we will persevere and and ignorance of what we don't know.

And so in close analogy, and I won't change the analogy on the dance floor, I think you dance to the music that. Inspires you and in such a way that it inspires other people to want to join you and. I think you shouldn't dance to the steps. Not everyone can dance the steps, but I think Karl definition danced the steps because. And also, like whatever you do in a relationship, sometimes people do things they don't really want to do.

But what that means is that you it's a lesser version of you doing that.

That is harsh because what about. I mean, it's I've got a group of friends and they want to go to a pub next Friday and I feel like wearing a hazmat suit, but I know that we're not going to go there every day and every week. It's just keeping people happy, allowing people their space and to do a little thing. And then when it's swings and roundabouts turn around, then, you know, we'll go somewhere that has a low risk of mortality.

So I don't know, it's about necessarily no longer listen to what you said might be truth in it, but it doesn't seem intuitive. We'd like to please each other, don't we?

Yeah, but it's about what your values are. And you can you can do things that aren't like you can go, OK, I'm going to go to the pub because it's really because there's a higher value, isn't it? There's a higher value of friendship to not liking the pub is is a relatively minor. That's a relatively minor thing. But what I really mean is something that's really out of your out of alignment with your values. But people will do that to make someone happy.

And that's what I'm saying. It becomes a lesser version of yourself, whereas I'm sure you can still go to that pub and still be the same charming, funny couple that we know and love, dogma, ignorance and emotions, emotional bias.

I believe it's a little bit goes back to that map and everything. It's not about that most, and not least in your inner tubes, your soul, your your institution, you know, some some holy site, what's going on. But sometimes when we are too much in our head. They just can't stand what our hearts are telling because there is no silence inside. You can feel it, you don't know which way you going. You just all the time listening to your head and what's your head dust.

It's just all the time. Questioning you is there to help you to make the strategy. But not making that. Hard decisions? I believe so, yeah, there's I think there's more intelligence in instincts and knowing than in thinking, because with this we're primarily animals. And so animals work from instinct to instincts have been heightened over hundreds of thousands of years. The problem, the nuance or the distinction is not doing things that feel good in the moment because that's what a drug addict does or had in this past.

So it's it's really about flow. Mahalia Jackson to Maliha, this concept of being in slow wimar in that is when we can stop thinking and we operate from flag burning.

Yes. I was saying sometimes I find it difficult to know when I'm in alignment or how to get to it. And I mean, so listening to some of the conversations, one point that came up is if I have an idea of this feeling to something, I know I need to have a kind of a good feeling in myself. So that makes me feel that more or less I mean, I'm in balance or in alignment. But then sometimes if I have quite another feeling, then I'm thinking maybe I'm in the distance.

So then I kind of look at these or sometimes I have some really good moments once a day at least. And the following day I'm wondering, I'll let you know. My mind comes in after that. And I'm very confused because my mind is telling me, no, it's not it's not like which others talks about or not of the mind. So it's very difficult. I mean, for me, it's like this. And also, I don't really have a destiny.

I don't have a point because it looks like I'm being taken to pieces and and sometimes I want to be in control. And I developed some some kind of strategies to get into control. But after quite soon after that, I tend to let go of it. So I'm thinking, well, if it's not really sticking to me, then it must be that it's not, you know, the kind of thing for me. So I get very confused, not very, but sometimes about about these kind of things.

I don't know how to handle it. I tend to not know. And then it's not too bad. Life is not too bad.

I oh I think so. When I look my North Star is that everyone should be happy, everyone should feel love and everyone should have some sense of meaning and some sense of success that their life's been successful. So I think that is open to everyone. I think by the fact of being human that that's what we can all achieve. So. Everything else is about how do we get to that? And the reason that we don't get to that is because, like I said, I think every person is like a computer.

They come in with a certain level of hardware, which determines the limits of the height. They're going to be the potential for this potential for that. Then it's about the cultural like the dogma of the culture of everything you've been taught from. And the culture is like initially your family, your community, your whatever culture you've grown up in, the white culture. And then it's your experiences and how you've reacted to those experiences. So if we're not happy, if we're not feeling love, if we're not feeling like what we're doing is meaningful, we're not feeling a success as we are, then there's something wrong in the story we've made.

And it's about undoing all those Lego bricks and making a better story, because I don't think you necessarily need anything else objectively. I think you just need to put the story together so that. You, who you are. And the results that you're getting out in the world are making you aligned with those feelings.

That was a very critical point. It just so quickly, what was that? But there is a flow in the thinking interface with the feds in various places. I just want to just go back to that juncture in case anybody else missed. And I really can look at my life at times when I allowed myself to be open not. That's the word not divulge, it's like splurging to throw like thought is very seductive, but we don't have to think all the time.

It becomes autonomous and actually just being in a state of being. That's maybe why when we see waterfalls, we have a day at the beach. We're faced with a beautiful vista. It feels so good because we just stop for a second and we're witnessing we're not processing or calculating the next step. So, yeah, just to kind of breathe on that for a second, something is really important that allowing that flow and not thinking that you can change and rule the world just with your thoughts and the.

I appreciate you posing on that, because, ah, I often I'm not as present when I'm doing other things and multitasking and I often listen back when I'm Kompass out and I listen back and think, oh, there's so much more to go into that. But I didn't have the presence at the time as it came up, or sometimes I don't even hear it. But yeah, I think I think that's really the danger of overthinking. I think that the pure experience of life is without fault.

And so it's like. I think you can't if you strive for happiness, you can't be happy because happiness is the result of living your life well. And if you strive for love, you can't you won't feel love because in the striving for it, these are the end states that you reach when everything is in alignment.

And they'll say that and you'll see the flow for stuffing's came to my mind once. It's called control equal force. So goes back to you when you tried to force everything, when you tried to control lived a life, it doesn't go in the way you actually just creating more self hurt. You're hurting yourself. You're doing nothing is just hurting yourself. You're daydreaming, you're idealizing the world. And you're saying, why not happening? I want it because.

Well, he is that I like that you can't control you, which is just a human. We try and you force it every single time. So now coming back to the Navy SEAL, what I learned from them, it's called a flaw state. They see one meter control. So I only can control what it's in one meter. And that's me, my behavior, my thoughts. The rest forget about and that's when you are actually person, that's when you are in a floor state, you make decisions like that and you're actually enjoying the moment because you're not overeating.

Did you not try to control the moment? You just go with it, and that's if you see the most. Powerful Navy SEAL teams are how successful because they are dead for each other, they are and most of the times. And it's not because they are strong. No, they are dead every single time, it's a commitment. It's like a family living with each other. They do everything for each other.

I remember Reading Rainbow at that time in. David Caulkins or someone like that. But where the people who pass through the special training, I don't know which type, but they can tell the ones who pass through, the ones who rely on strength and natural skill are the ones who don't make it is the ones that have the strength of aptitude, because everything in the training is going to point out where the flaws are. And we'll take you past the point of breaking.

And it's the mental strength of the attitude of being in alignment with that that makes you less breakable. And I think that that. Is true in relationships. That relationships are you could analogize them is never analogy, but you could say the marriage. Is really like a Navy SEALs training program, because what that does is challenge every aspect of you and it will break you down and it is really to see how much when everything is gone. Like you will your ability to work together on whatever.

Strong enough the ability to to survive and a relationship or marriage like that kind of long term relationship is really that test. Can because what life is going to do is life is going to like finance is going to go up and down, health is going to go up and down, how work is going is going to go up and down. Your emotions are going to go up and down. And so all of these are going to challenge the strength of the partnership.

And if you are on different wavelengths, that's why relationships break. So there was there was something else and I just wanted to highlight. That we tend to rely on our intelligence. We tend to rely on what we know. And yet there is some we underestimate. The strength of emotion, so, for example, like typically if we look at careers and the workplace has been like individualism, the great man, the self-made man, the alpha leader has always been portrayed as the way to success, but.

We talked about the alpha myth and how that was a misunderstanding. But really. And it is kind of like people are be professional, pull yourself together, just like as if to forget your feelings, but if your feelings are misaligned with what you do. Then everything that's where you become a lesser version of yourself, and that's where sabotage happens, that's where office politics happens. That's where relationships become bitter and end up hostile. It's always. Where there is a clash between how you feel and what you think, you have to change what you think.

Your feelings are what tell you when you're wrong, cause not. What your feelings won't do is tell you where the problem is. So I think the problem is always in in your thinking. And so you need to rebuild the models to align what you think with how you feel, but how you feel is dominant. Cult, you still have your hand up.

And I ask something, you mean what you're feeling isn't necessarily right or shouldn't necessarily want you saying that you should go with your freedom, but then it sounds like you're saying that that might dominate listening to you don't necessarily I shouldn't be guiding how you feel tells you when you're in alignment or out of alignment. So that alignment is really measured by feeling. So when you when you're out of alignment. Your feeling tells you they were out of line and so something wrong with the story that you're telling?

Which is you thinking? And so if you look at we're primarily animals, like if you look at the trailing brain, very primitive reptilian brain operates on autopilot. The limbic brain limbic brain is all about status in the pack is about emotions. That's kind of how we feel. So when when everyone in the office goes out to drinks and doesn't invite us, how we feel, that's limbic. And then the beer on the top is. Really, the story that we're making, what we what we think is true, what we what we say.

So if you look at society, society is run by thinking. It's political theory, it's ideological ideology, and yet so if you look so there's a basic conflict and this is the core misalignment is why we have so much mental health problems, is that we biological animals and we which is like everything that's driving us, is these feelings, these urges, his instincts. And yet we're supposed to live by this cognitive by this cultural framework of what an ideology says is good or bad.

Something that's fixed, and so I think we're reaching the point where. That is no longer works. And so we said what the effect is that we feel we're wrong, we feel we are bad people, we feel we are unlovable because we're not succeeding by the dogma. But it's the dogma that is broken. Does that make sense? So if we say, like in marriages, fifty five percent of marriages fail and we determine failure is divorce, so.

Individually, someone is to blame for that, like as in the court of law says, someone's to blame, all because we feel we need to explain that. We need to say our Xs and OS like I didn't show up as well as I should. So it becomes an individual blame. The reality is that the system is broken, the beliefs, the framework that we're trying to fit into is what's broken. And so we feel bad because we don't fit in to someone else's rules.

Does that relate to what you say? Does that make sense?

And I'm just so understand documents. I just about your own thoughts and feelings and what is important for you. So do you have a specific example of a friend's example?

No one said something in a relationship, and it's not quite going that way, and you've got the feeling that it's not quite going that way. But how do you, with sincerity, relying heavily on the thinking I get I get what you're saying about revealing the story that something to an extent. Sometimes if it's something that you aim for, yeah, yeah, so so alignment is what you really aiming for. And so we we set goals. Of.

Which is a bit like in golf, in golf, people are really going for the flag. They first aim for the green and then you aim for the flag, so. We have mental shortcuts. As in, so wanting to be in a relationship is a mental shortcut for wanting connection. When we really want this connection but we really want is respect, what we really want is to be loved. But we put other things in as proxies to the things that we do.

So people think marriage means love and unconditional love. And so people say they want a marriage. They really want unconditional love. So it's really getting clear, what are you aligned with? And then it's about your judgments of the situation. Are they really accurate? And so it's about being alone with the other person to being able to wear the shed. Can we were like, do they go help my goals, my goals, help their goals? Is that concrete enough to.

I think Bernie was far, I can't remember. Not only any future.

OK, so. So feelings are good because you. We're feeding them, and it gives you an indication of where you're at and if it's good, then it's your kind of assignment. What about emotions? So emotions? Is it like reactions? Is it is it the same as feelings? Because you can you can have emotions and they can be high-low and different at different times. So they don't do very static like the thoughts. The thoughts are also like that is their thoughts and emotions similar?

Not quite sure.

And like but there was something that you said that immediately are one of jump in and try to clarify. Can you remember the very first thing you said? Sorry, I took some notes, feelings.

I think I was saying feeling this is where you feel that so is your barometer. The feeling is that no matter how you feel about the emotion, it feels to me a little different than the feeling of the action.

Yeah. Yeah, that's brilliant. Thank you. Um, I got a terrible memories of when as soon as you made the second point, I'd forgotten the first one. Okay. Right. So feelings you can't change. Feelings are the biological animal. You can't change them because they're like your blueprint is how you've got to be. You can't change your blueprint. When someone tells you that you've got to be right handed. When you're left handed, you can do left handed, but you're never going to be you're never going to thrive as if you're a natural.

You can't if you're if everything inside you screams that you want to be a pianist and you have to be an accountant, you're never going to feel like you can't break that feeling. There's something in you that has to be expressed. So that feeling is something that has to be expressed. The so you can't change your feeling, but you can change the story. So what that tells me when someone feels really bad, it tells me that the story that they're in, the context that they're in is somewhere that's not letting them thrive.

So you need to you can't change the feelings because that's who you are. But you can change the context in which your feelings are. So the person that wants to be a pianist but is trapped by circumstance in feeling that they have to be an accountant, they have to find some outlet for. Whether it's penis or whether it's creativity or music or something like that, they have to connect to that. There's something about that that's that's pulling them towards it's inspiring them to who they want to be.

So feelings usually. All. Really, the engine that drives us in whatever direction we want to go in, and it's really about a bigger a bigger version of you. It's. If we really get into the core of alignment, a core of alignment is your blueprint coming out as the flower and the plant and blooming as all we should be. And the only thing that stops each of us being the most beautiful flower is that we're trying to fit ourselves into something we don't belong in.

We've got the wrong soil. We've got the wrong climate. So then you question about emotion, and I think that is a really perceptive point. Is that emotion is. Really a reaction to fear. So, like I said, look, at the core are some of the biggest fears are survival. Knobbing loved. So survival can be my fear is like I'm going to get on a plane and I'm going to die. Survival can be I'm going to get some terrible disease and die.

It can be relationship. Fear is I'm going to no one's going to love me like this relationship is ended. No one else is going to love me. I'm going to be on my own forever. I'll never find anyone who's right for me. I'm going to be alone forever. So. The emotion is in reaction to the story that you're telling. So there's some limitation in the story that you're telling. As in so in the relationship example, the story is there's not enough eligible men, women.

There's no there's no one else like this person after a break up. There's no one that will love me because my story is a little bit different. And I've got this barrier and therefore no one else will be able to surmount that barrier and love me. Does that make sense?

I was thinking about positive emotions, actually more. I mean, those those ones, but because it's difficult to know the defense, we're going to win excitement, for instance. Is that a feeling or is that an emotion? I would have thought that's emotion. So is it as bad as the negative one? In a way, I'm not saying it is, because obviously it feels good in that sense.

OK, so excitement. Can be. So there's this kind of excitement, there's excitement of like. Everything feels right. I'm on my behalf. I'm getting there is coming together. So there's that excitement, there's the inspiration type of excitement, but then there's an excitement of. Which can also happen in relationships like you meet someone and you never thought you could have met, you start to have a relationship. You really. It was outside of the realms of what you believed, and so you can get that level of excitement and.

So there can be excitement, but there has no foundation in it, so you can get excited and a month from month, two months, three months and then fall apart. So sometimes people have those kind of relationships straight up, straight down because it doesn't have the foundation. So there's an excitement that, yes, this is coming and it's but it's supported. Buy a foundation and there's excitement that is just the kind of lust and hope, does that make sense?

Is it would you say that if it's if it's a good feeling, excitement or emotion fueled by inspiration, then it's a good one? Yeah, and it sounds good.

Yeah. So generally, I don't think in like I think I think emotions. Right. Naturally are positive unless you have something blocking them. And the thing that blocks atmosphere. So I think emotions are like if you took away all fear, you'd just be feel love, happiness, joy, whatever you want to call it. But the present, the degree and intensity of fear determines the emotion that you have. So even and so Janosz has talked about power versus force, and the central idea is that there's a scale of emotions and there's a tipping point.

Pride is just under and courage is just over. And it's really he talks about being above that line means that you're in power, means that you're coming from inspiration, you're coming from strength, and you're not trying to force people. Whereas being below that line is about force and being the alpha. He tells everyone what to do and dominate people and gets them away from force. So I think if you feel the more. The more positive emotion you feel, aside from that kind of hysteria of like something's happened that I'm wary of and I hope it lasts.

Aside from that, positive emotion is just generally a sign of being more aligned. So. For me. Anything, it's more than negative that you want to work out what the fear is and strip that fear away so that you get the feel positive feeling if you know, if you're feeling positive. I think, you know, that you find. And until the next big thing comes that you're looking out for. That will kind of break that alignment.

Does that make sense?

Yeah. Thank you very much.

Great into Yanase, just a little bit late for that on that. It's actually how I can explain. It's it's like blusher. It's a kind of pain. But it's excitement together, it's a mixture. The only thing that would make difference that. It's how you experienced think about the mother who giving the birth for the child, this is the most painful things in the life, but the most pleasure, while at the same time because they did something great.

You know, what makes a difference would make you cry. How you how you express that your behavior, actually, it's your emotion. Because you got your feelings. But the emotion is more your programs, which you choose, which you can choose if you've got enough as the filter, which one I wanted to experience it now does it, does this does that pain is sending me a signal to learn something from it. It does something. What is valuable for me to teach.

Yes. Great goal for it and enjoy it even if it's a stone rock. I am joined. That's going to be Shalakany camp last year when I then came across to me and he said bullshit rules ignored quickly. He call it like bliss. It's bullshit. There's so many things are still us to be a creative person. We can be. And he actually Elon Musk as well, with so many great people, he had a chat and all of them, they say the first thing, what you need to learn to not stop yourself, then you got your intuitions.

Your mind is debtors' that strategy to manifest what you've got and you think you need to become unflappable. And to be 40 for yourself, Beilke, just to fail and be OK to having that feeling, it's a human being, it's just our human carrier giving to that. But you can choose how you express that and you can choose who you want to be because you need to choose which uniform you want to it for that moment. And that's what he made me blow my mind when he expressed it this way, like, wow, you know, because it's always when you see the danger and it's dangerous situation, you force everything.

And that's OK. Part of the life. It's dangerous to force it. But when you can apply it, so you've got the power, you actually empowering other people or giving that beauty for you, you don't even need to force it anymore. It's coming to you naturedly because that's part of the nature.

Thank you, Jack.

There is something to be said about forcing behavior, though, to me, in that when one pushes too hard or tries to make something conform to what one wishes, one is taking the other party or the other situation out of its own alignment and trying to bring it into yours. And to me, that is not a situation which engender contentment, fulfillment, balance that because it's unnatural. And to me, there's a lot of hard work involved in it in trying to control and bring something to be able to fulfill your desires rather than it being shared a shared situation.

And on another point, sometimes I think we forget. What is our true essence and what brings us fulfillment and contentment and if what we are trying to bring into our space does not align with a sense of self and enhance our sense of who we are, then we should. I don't want to use this analogy, but it's like those creatures that something is wrong with them and they just you get rid of it, you remove it from your space.

And so I think sometimes we hold on to things. In the belief that's to come good, well, at the same time, we are detracting from ourselves because I think if we believe that we are good, we believe that what we want is good, we should be brave enough to recognize when somebody is out of alignment with with us. And do something about it, rather than trying to force it to make it work for us because it's not stable.

It is not sustainable. It is going to break.

Yeah, I, I, I think. I think that is the question is whether you were in alignment. I wasn't quite sure what you meant with the first part, as in. When someone's out of line, I think when someone's out of alignment. It becomes that's why you're kind of different wavelengths and you're not able to change them, and it's about whether whether you can get in alignment with them. We can get enlightenment, but if the other person wants to try to be to to to to work with you to to to to get into alignment, but where you have that desire and the other person does not, and you are pushing and pulling and trying to coerce that person to become the the image of whatever it is that you your desire, whatever you think that it is going to be.

And even if they put the mask on and try to, let's say, play to your to whatever it is that you want, as God says, dance, do what's right for you. If you are really conscious and know yourself, you'll recognize that it's false because after a while it will give you the pleasure that it ought to when you are in full, full, fully in sync with someone and the desires and the wants and the yes. And the needs are in alignment, then I think you have a sense of being in sync, which makes it less harder.

Yeah, yeah. I think that's the point is the point is you can never get to like the North Star has to be. Will you do you alone. The problem is when people make it where they try to. Control the other person to force the alignment, and I think that's where we're lacking. Last week we showed the graph of the relationship of freedom and the relationship of control. And the line of what works in relationships is really where both for free to be themselves as opposed to someone controlling or being controlled.

Yeah, I definitely agree with that, Carl.

So, I mean. I'm trying to define the boundaries between control and negotiation, communication, so. So if let's say it's table manners and somebody thinks that it's OK to just let one rip, for example, when you actually don't like that, are you controlling them by letting them know or you negotiate and pay? I would prefer if you break it to politics, I prefer if you want to sit on something. Now, where does where does the line come between us?

OK, is that what you would like? What's going to work for harmony? And that's what makes you happy. And for me, it's just in on the other side of the coin, though, say, oh, OK. And they would bring up something or vice versa. Oh yeah, I do that to make you happy, if it makes you happy, as long as it's not to encroach on. The other thing I wanted to say was as well, at one point in my life I had a kind of hard line with wanting my partner to like the same music as me and.

So I've lost a bit when I looked into the previous thread, but the point was the older brother listened to the same music as I did, and they knew one day said, you know, such and such a really obscure electronic music producer. And they said, yes, and they named Track, but they didn't actually really like that. They knew from their brothers and collection. So they can be. In authenticity, in alignment, if that makes sense.

So, yeah, I struggled in one of my last previous pronouncements, dynamics in trying to communicate and negotiate without escalating or without it being a problem. But obviously, if you don't have those fundamentals in place, like good communication, respectful communication, then you can't do either. But sorry, if that was a rambling jumble, my my closing statement would be, is how do you define the lines between being controlled in moving somebody's freedom and communicating what would harm looks?

So it's predicated on both being honest and aware of what they want. So, yes, sometimes people will pretend that they don't like state steps or that they do like weather because and that's in the line of trying to make a relationship work, trying to make people like you. And the reality is. People might not like you at first because they don't know you, but they might grow to like you or they might they might like you first and then not like you as they know you more.

And I think it's. It's just like the title of the book, it's the courage to be disliked, it's you. And I think this is where the dogma comes in, that we all think that popularity is great. We'll think that we have popularity means everyone loves you, but equally means as many people hate you. And so it's about. Having the confidence to. Share who you are. To be honest, to be authentic. So then because otherwise what you're going to do sooner or later, they are going to know what you like, what you don't like, and that's just delaying a relationship that's not going to work, but you're delaying it for longer.

OK, so in terms of you disagree on things, it's not the surface issue like the couples that are always arguing about running toilet paper or the toothpaste or all of that stuff is not really about that. They're really arguing about something else. So it's about there's a value hierarchy. There's a hierarchy of things that are really important to you and things that are less important to you. And so, for example, table manners is really important and there's a reason why.

And in uncovering that and the other person uncovering what their story about it is, if you have that communication, the awareness that it doesn't mean what you're telling it to mean. Can change, so you doesn't necessarily have to change the behavior, the maybe they might moderate their behavior because of sensitivity, because they understand is not just about lack. So every conflict like that is an entry point to a connection. Now, if you make it about the superficial.

You just break every time and as we humans normally do, but if you if that becomes an entry point into what does that really mean to you? Why why does that then that's going to take you on a greater depth to understanding each other. Understanding each other is how you get Conexion. So then it becomes about how important is connection to you on your value hierarchy and this thing, does it transcend connection?

Yeah, I can see where you can go do things, but surely something that's simply quite irritating behaviour around the I like some sort of message. For example, can you really get that deep with trying to understand why they leave their underwear on the bathroom floor? I mean, how take the example. What would you do then?

OK, so this really irritates you little bit. So I don't think is I mean that much. So it's really why is it so the invitation is not the underwear in the bathroom stall?

This respect for myself. Yes.

So so it's feeling disrespected. So is your definition of what is you're taking that personally. Well, you're taking it personally or you're taking it as someone who does this is a bad person or something like that, so it's just gross.

Yes, it's a judgment about the person based on the behavior.

Well, it's not not.

Yeah, it's natural. But this is why I'm saying that, you know, it's natural because it comes from your mind of the stories that you've been told and the dogma and stuff. And you have to go, OK, let's break free of that. Well, who am I and what do I really believe? Not what someone else has told me. No one experience has led me to make these rules for life, because that's really because we're animals limited with limited ability to take in everything around us, because we're not able to take in everything around us.

We make these mental shortcuts and then people fall foul of these mental shortcuts, which is where we have conflict. Sandra, Sandra has got some wisdom to share.

Not quite. It's interesting that Carl has brought up the underwear on the bathroom floor because generally it is women who are always complaining about having to pick up the men's underwear from the floor. So it's nice to have the male perspective on this because it's usually the other way around. And I think there are a number of things. As you point out, Rob, there's a lot to do with your own socialization. And for some people, it's a disorder that's been created in an ordered space, which you like to be in a particular way.

And bathrooms and bathrooms and kitchens tend to be those break in spaces, beds, not so much, but bathroom must be just kept just so. And kitchens must be just looking at the very pristine and everything in its order and so forth. And if it if if you keep messing it up, then that is that can be a deal breaker. But to my mind, what might seem to be a simple thing that you can sort of, you know, bite your lip and just and, you know, say, why don't you pick up your stuff?

If you compound it with other things, other small things, then that is when it starts to become not a minor thing and it explodes and then it becomes bigger than it because it's really just a bit of underwear on the floor. But it because it's in it, as I said, it's upsetting your sense of order. There is the notion of disrespect and it's likely to be something that is repeated. So it's something that you're going to it's a constant irritant, you know, but other things could possibly be also involved, you know, and you don't know how deep seated these things are with people.

For some people, they look at it and say, why are you fussing? It's just a little thing. You know, it's just a bit of underwear on the floor, but it means a lot of other things. It could mean a lot of things to you. It could be that you were punished for underwear on the floor, you know, and it brings up those things in your head as well. So I don't know.

And I've always had like a sensitivity, because I know that I picked up on these were the things people complained about toilet seat up on the ground floor, toothpaste off. So I'm always quiet, like, just because I know it's an irritation, I think you can't. Not say it because it will irritate you. But I think you really. So I think a lot of people overreact, as in what they'll do is they'll go on and have anyone that is there under one or so anyone doesn't leave the toilet seat up.

And so they narrowed down their field to only nice people. But what they are not recognizing is the surface level. They're agreeing, but the deeper things, they might be way apart on. So I think it's really about sharing what it's about. And. Then it's about sensitivity and it's about working out. How you deal with whatever it doesn't ever you anymore or the other person doesn't call.

Yeah, I guess that could be true. It may not be actually that big of an issue per say, and there is the compound, in fact. But what I've also I mean, maybe it's just me I've realized is. Appreciation can transcend of someone's really appreciates it and expresses it in my world, and at least you can overlook quite a lot and be forgiving because they already value who you are. And I don't know, I guess what goes around comes around.

So you invite them to invite you to what they are and the smaller things get overlooked. But when when there's no appreciation or there's no yeah, then that's when the smaller things do matter because it all becomes. I don't know what I'm saying, but I'm going with so much like a value system of little things when you're trying to determine your value because they're not expressing what we're sharing, showing or acknowledging it. So you kind of have to I, I don't know if anybody else agrees or if I'm just making this up.

It becomes like a choking up who's done what to last, did the dishes. And because there's not that open. Thank you so much. And we all know ourselves even in any kind of job. If your boss really is kind to you and like to you stupidly your work, do you would have to get the project being a dick, too. But it's like five o'clock on a Friday and that's it. And get no more. They've got no extra.

So that kind of collates.

Yeah, I think that's really the key point is that the arrowhead is the little thing because that's the thing that you can pick up on and talk about. It's harder to talk about. I don't feel appreciated. I don't feel respected. And so that that's why people argue about the toilet seat up and people then assume that the toilet seat being up means he's not he's not the ones on the intercom. Find the one. I think it is ironic next.

But I just felt like saying when I heard Karl's reaction was that actually those little things are great gifts because they're the things that will make you find out what it is that what Santa was expressing and that that are inside you. And when you have the perfect person in front of you, whatever that person is, whether it's a long term partner or just a friend or whatever, you know, they're giving you that opportunity. So to press the button. So so that gives I mean, I know we don't I certainly don't I don't look at them when they come in front of me.

But when I'm hearing neutrally someone else's story, I see the beauty of that. So rather than come to an agreement that, you know, respect, disrespect, that, no, you're the one that you want to be treated and you want to express it, that sends you expressing because the other person's having an issue which is maybe not comparable to yours, but just as as powerful and important. And that gives you both an opportunity to to to to to explore and to release.

That's what I thought of saying.

And, you know, for me, too, two things coming out from this story. It's one, it's like a compound effect. You know, it's always start with a small office that's building up. It's literally, you can see to be here for the bottom behind of the person. It's like if you could choose, you would like to have a million phones today or one penny count on the fact for 30 days most of the time. So everybody chose the one million bonds.

But in the end of day, that's only for the short term. Solutions in the long term will be all waste of one penny combined effect will bring to the future. And you're cute, but you're you're also your robot will be much bigger all the time. And that's all about relationships. You're always cute. Is there a risk to putting dollars for the person because you're convenient and when you've actually been a bigger part of it? But for me, what sometimes I forget when the other person tried to put too much boundaries and when to do too much to create boundaries, it's literally make me feel like I'm in the box.

It's like not accepting me who I am. And I think most of us looking for somebody who are accepting for who we are. So let us crawl. And we will change eventually because that's our nature. If we wanted to work together, it would change, but don't force it because that would just make them run away.

Yeah, I think it really relies on. Relies on knowing yourself, being in alignment and yourself and then. Police standing firm, but the other side is not. The other side is not trying to to change who someone is, trying to understand and accept who someone is you've got. I think all of us have to use the plant analogy rules that we're all set and sometimes you can't see the set. And it's you need to see who is what, what they need and grow from that.

And.

This is almost. Getting close to something you might call unconditional love or a high level of compassion, but I don't know. I mean. You haven't mentioned anything about reciprocity and. I guess standards of acceptability, really radical thing, could be something completely different to what I've done because I've reached a point of unhappiness and then I just sort of let it linger on my shooting was hoping that it might change. But I you maybe I've understood you wrong. Are you insinuating that we we should really.

Love somebody no matter what they do.

OK, right, if I was going to. The ideal it would be to love unconditionally, but that doesn't mean you have to be in the relationship with the. Because. For you to feel good, you're going to feel bad to love people like Norns specifically than to hate them. And so I think we want to align with people and what that really means what? That means that not everyone's on our wavelength, we can accept and appreciate them for who they are and just recognize they're not in alignment with us.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, it just sounds like a very kind of dumb somebody I know, I mean, the people you work with, everyone that you come across, accept and appreciate as they are. Yeah. And your goal is in finding that. So the two things you talked about, reciprocity and standards are imposing an idea on someone. OK, reciprocity is a natural function of humans, humans naturally reciprocate unless they like us, they will naturally reciprocate. And if you look at most advertising in political campaigns, they're based on the principle of reciprocity.

I'm going to give you this. I'm going to give you this. I'm going to give you this by my stuff. Advertising, like marketing, does so much to create that reciprocity is one of the principles of Cellini's influence standards. So the idea who gets to decide the standards?

That's the selfsame centralized things, yes, but they're your standards. But if someone else doesn't have those, then you're imposing them on them.

Oh, well, maybe, yes, but also getting rid of them. I mean. You're saying that that's not the right way to go about.

I'm saying that that's the way everyone has done like this is a high value partner. This is what they should have. These are the rules. This is the things that you should have. And what we've talked about today is the idea that we are primitive animals. We've got dry hunger, sex first. These are the things that really control us. We've got feelings of wanting to be someone to matter, wanting to be seen, to be understood, wanting to be loved and to belong.

nk clean. Everyone like these: 1950

If you look at the Nazis, it was their Aryan standards, so when you make standards some it made some people good, some people bad. So you have your personal standards, which determines your wavelength. But if someone doesn't truly hold those standards and doesn't value and appreciate those standards, they were in a different way than we are.

Perhaps I can relate myself. I really appreciate what you said. And I definitely said both. I think the standards I'm talking about mostly are standards of violation. So, you know, slamming the phone down on somebody or having a screaming fit when communicating calmly. These sort of things are not quite adults ratio. For example, these are just basic human interactions. And I feel that those sort of standards, it's not even about being pretentious, like you shouldn't do that.

It's more about that in order for things to progress or to have some level of stability. You can't do things like that. You can't going.

OK, really what you're talking about is a difference in levels of emotional volatility. OK, because some people. That is a hair trigger, emotional, like I don't have a lot of emotions. My range is like that where some people are short and. Yes, so that's it's the way that people react. So. It's the level of so there's the level of stable neuroticism, and the more people are on the neuroticism extend, the more that they're going to react really emotionally.

So. I think that that is probably one of the Wilen or is about someone doesn't feel safe. Someone which is probably not to do with you, but probably to do something that's happened before, which makes them react. It is the intensity of fear that they're facing. And this is where the feelings will override any kind of story, like any kind of rationality, because it's not irrational and that's it's really appreciated. Then that's an animal cornered.

That's exactly the analogy I was thinking of. When you have a cat, it makes itself very big and spiky, whereas a more sort of sort of lethal presence in this is very, very still. And that's based on, I suppose, the level of fear or capacity. Alex. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, but, yeah, I just wanted to clarify, because it's not about standards. Oh, well, I don't know your your Spaniard's, therefore you should do this or whatever.

It's more a case of those levels. But that, I think is a completely different context and a different thing. So I want to detract from what we're talking about all. I just wanted to clarify for you and I look at it from another side. I suppose the standards were mutually agreed or agreeable in the beginning. And so there is no disharmony in terms as far as these standards are concerned. But then almost like a perverse way of reacting to things that are not going well.

One then decides to send some of those standards and actually adopt some of the those behaviors that were never seen before, as is it just as an irritant or is it a way of getting you to react in such a way that it's like you are the the culprit, so to speak? I don't use the word culprit. I'm looking for another word. So you are the one because of your behavior then creating seemingly creating the disharmony. When it's your your reacting to something that is no different.

And so in a sense, you can be accused of being the one to. I suppose destroy the doghouse, so to speak. So I'm just going to let my husband and myself we'll get. Let me just say, because I think to get a rise out of me and knowing there are certain things that you just don't do, I don't like and I'm sorry. Yes, I'm a stickler for table manners. I'm sorry. It's been with me all my life.

It's second nature. You just don't do it. And you know this. And also you are brought up like that, too. So we are two of a kind. But still, you go out of your way to do everything that you don't actually irritate. And when I say don't do it, do not do it, you you make sure that you keep doing it and many times in the public arena, which means, you know, I have to behave myself, but at the same time, you know that you know that picture of the lady with the steam coming out of her.

Right. It's coming out of my ears and eyeballs and all the rest of it. And the lips are sort of stretched across teeth in this rigid smile until the thing. Right.

Do you? Yeah, I think one is integrity, someone might say, and they can put on that for a while. But I think the more common one is. That and I think this is this is a real problem in marriages, is that. In the honeymoon period, so we're looking at the first four years of a relationship, there is this kind of people put someone on the pedestal and they become like their north star. They become like she's going to be loving towards them.

I'm going to do whatever they want. I'm going to make them so happy forever. And the nature of relationships is. That you can't make people happy, you can't make it all perfect and you can't make it work. And I think because of the framework that we we come in with this idealistic framework that is broken. People get frustrated and people get frustrated over stuff that you've done, like whether it's even underwear on the floor or whether it's you said something or whatever.

It might not even be something that you've said, but something that they feel bad about. It can't even be people can get depressed or people can be fed up at work and then take out and think it's apartments, whatever, it's irrational. But for whatever reason, you've stopped. They've decided and often it's like this broken framework that people put you on the pedestal. And then when you're on that pedestal and they don't feel that they're getting the respect they want, this is not a big one for men in relationships that they don't feel that they get the respect they want because the respect that they want is unrealistic.

And so they get frustrated. They don't know how to change it. They don't know how to have that conversation or even aware that that's what's going on. And so you stop being the one on the pedestal, you become the one that's the reason for their unhappiness. And so they're resentful. And it's a passive aggressive way of getting back at you because they blame you for what's not going right in their life. And usually, I think most relationships broken many years before the event that they're actually divorced for or they and the relationship is usually like a betrayal.

It's like cheating is they've done something that you can't forgive. They've slags you off to your family members or something like that. There's some event that normally breaks it. But the the there were years leading up to them doing that and they were resentful without telling you. And a lot of it is because you came in with a broken framework and you never knew how to fix it. Or be honest about it. Vernae.

I was thinking when Carl was talking as well, I felt like I always think that there's there's a good thing out of everything, having an emotion which is like not very nice. It could very well be good for the other person to learn something from God, for instance, about manners. And so I know that when we when we have such emotions, we kind of look at ourselves, what am I doing the right thing? And we tend to blame each other sometimes.

But actually we're doing exactly the perfect thing because the other person is cutting out for it. And if we belong it and if it keeps reoccurring, like I was talking about friendships earlier, you know, with chicken, I think it was like I'm in a situation where I'm having conflicts with friends. So then I'm looking at myself because it's really a caring thing. And then I need to look at, you know, what is it that's happening to it because it's occurring.

But otherwise, if things are like general, I think there's always a good point for the other. To get angry and to get upset is very good for us as well. I just acknowledge that love is always saying you fill in your emotions. That is beautiful to do that because we are living authentically whether we are unhappy. So why do we want to beat ourselves about having an emotion which is in a kind of in alignment? So for instance, if you're not happy with these people, it's because there's something inside you which is in alignment and it's not it's not flowing with you.

But if it's like very much of existence, then then I would kind of look at it. But even in that, you know, there's something OK about it. That's it, I think.

Yeah, I know what you say reminds me of is it he said it, but all communication is either love or a cry for help and I think often is hard to hear the cries for help that people have because because if you don't have the personal foundation, we're not able to ask for it for ourselves. And so it just comes out as hostility and anger instead of. What it really is, why, because it would solve everything if we just take that step to be vulnerable, what's the worst that can happen?

Almost a third. I'm not afraid I'm not afraid to be vulnerable. I am a big old princess, I got a soft little heart out, so I'll put it out there on my sleeve because I know that there are so much worse things in life that can be so we can recover. I mean, even if we don't get the outcome, we want all the patients respond the way we like it. There's tomorrow. There's more opportunity in our life.

So if we could if you know, if I can even point to Sanjay for a second, even in her context, that they could have just spoken, softened a little bit, just gave a little bit of it, or even in our own families that to speak truth, that we've never been able to say, why is it so difficult? But then again, I'll just leave you with this thought that my trouble is, is that I go to the other side as well, that I'm blunt and I say things people don't want to hear so that if I have a gift of being able to speak emotionally, I say stuff that makes people maybe uncomfortable because they can't say it and they're not used to those conversations, which is pretty sure because you don't connect to people sometimes just for being very raw.

But I like some you can't say no way to look at me and let me say for that it's conflict. It's actually a debate to ask, let's sit down and communicate and let's not negotiate. That's the kind of silent ask for the heart, because the humans we are rubbish about asking how badly we are not good at all, including it's including me that's a human being and that's OK. The question needs when you face this other person understanding that it's an issue behind underlying issues or you think that's OK, if that's OK and that kind of attitude like that, then then you need to stop it because the person is not ready and maybe does the time that you should maybe walk away rather than hurting more further.

That's what I learned because when I had talked with one of my staff was doing stupid things and I asked him the questions. And he thought he did it best and he doesn't see any problem behind. So that's when I see OK, there is no point to me further is just simply I have to dismiss him because that's a sexual harassment if you don't see it as a problem. That's something that's already wrong inside of his head. I'm not saying that's not good or it's OK, but it's kind of what we need to put into place and they're going to be communicating with the people, you need to see that big.

So I think you're right, it's just getting to that point and whether the other person's walls and boundaries will allow that. And what I found in one particular context is that how can I say it's almost like. When people put boundaries, what are they for that to keep other people away? But some people as psychologically seem to want to actually. Approach them. It's almost like a safeguard, but it's not really what they want. Does that make sense?

So they set up like a false mountain for you to climb because it's not. Don't get me wrong, there are boundaries which people do want and are legit and of course, but some emotional ones. So, yeah, I think that for me, I still have a lot to learn and to really work with some I mean, with know perhaps working with troubled teenagers who will do exactly that thing, that they want help, they want to connect, but they're setting up like these the safety barriers all the time.

It's the I don't have I haven't yet built the skills and patience to get through the because it's I believe that should be meeting school and as adults, not as troubled teenagers, 50 50 meet in half way, you know, not having to scour the the tower walls in order to get some understanding.

Well, I think that those are the variables of whatever the relationship is going to work. Some people have too much terror and I think however adult we look, everyone is a frightened little child inside. And you have to you have to see the frightened child and many people have found it is not safe. You look at what we fear most public speaking, we humiliation, embarrassment, then there are many people that would rather. Di. Looking like a man or looking strong, then be vulnerable.

So. You can't change someone's fear, but it's like you said earlier, so that invitations, you give them an invitation to rise if it's the right time, maybe it is not. So we can do is make people feel safe. And part of someone who's really emotionally volatile is that's a test to see. Can you handle me can like can you see me at my worst? So it's about the level of. It's about the level that you can tolerate, the invitation you can make.

And their willingness to meet that are really the three variables.

Yeah, I think in my given context that if I was happy before and felt that a lot of great qualities except for that, I would. But if there are other things, is it worth the candle? And I think that's what I've kind of evaluated because I can appreciate fair and, you know, and boundaries and acting out some ways. Thank you. Yeah. That that sounds or just like.

I think I have an answer not to you, to me. An assertion of male dominance. Over the dominant female is to be is the be all and end all of that exercise that I was describing and I think that that was what that was about.

Because some of that is stuff, patriarchy and feeling that you have to be feeling not good enough and feeling you have to, even though they say otherwise, but if that is and we have had this discussion and people trying to conform or trying to be what at heart they are not. And so when they are called on or the circumstances call in their true nature to to come out or their true behavior, then it is it seems that it doesn't conform with what the conscious it puts out as being their views or their behavior pattern.

Once tested, they go back to to their true self. And I think that is I will admit to everybody here I am a difficult cookie to handle, OK? I am not easy, but nonetheless, it's. But at the same time, I am this is the problem, so it's it's about understanding once again the triggers and understanding how to negotiate. And and I think I will also take responsibility for my impatience at times, which is because I don't suffer fools as much as I can be very, very patient.

But at the same time, if I'm dealing with an adult who I think is on the same level of understanding as myself, I, I can find it very, very difficult. So, yeah, I'm holding my hand up to that part of it that I can be the impatient. But nonetheless, I think there is an issue of insecurity with respect to the whole patriarchal thing. And that also stems from upbringing where Daddy was the big boss man who took care of everybody in his domain, almost like king of, you know, wherever, expecting that everybody will genuflect.

To this and then your meat is still tough, tough, stubborn, whatever female who just does not give in. I mean, it's hard. I will tell you it's hard, but I think Vernick put it really well before that. It's kind of like remember the exact way, but the way I was it's an invitation to go deeper or conflict is an invitation to go deeper. And I yeah, I think it is. And sometimes we if you look at Joseph Campbell, the hero's journey always starts with the call to adventure.

And almost always they refuse it at first. So, yeah, I think I think that the troubles of. Human, human, humans is our humanity, is our fear of being judged. Our fear of being honest and every conflict is an opportunity to grow free that.

But one has to have the maturity to be willing to accept and to to accept and not just accept from somebody else, but it should also come from you that you can see it, because if you can't see it and you don't understand it, then it really still has little impact on you. So it still has to come from within you. And if you don't want to have that self examination and that acceptance of what you know, your weaknesses, et cetera, then you're still not getting anywhere.

It's not about somebody pointing to you and say you are this you are we year that you or whatever, and that just builds resentment. But if a person can actually open up and acknowledge areas where they may need to improve or address certain issues, that and it's not necessarily that is something that's their fault. It's could be something that's coming through from their childhood that has been suppressed and is coming through because it's been triggered by certain behaviors or certain tensions, what have you.

And honestly, I was just going to say, like an example, you give someone who feels in the shadow of that that he feels that they have to prove something. Yeah, I think when you're talking about wavelength, you're talking about denial, willingness, and someone who's in denial, you can't relate to to to deal with it. So it's the ability to yes, you have to be on the right wavelength in order to able to deal with a conflict.

You can make the invitation, but I might not take. OK, well, thank you, everyone, for tonight. I've really enjoyed seeing a different perspective, some getting clearer on alignment. So. Look forward to seeing you next week. Have a good week in between.

Thank you for a good week.