The Three Keys To Successful Relationships: Part One
When you analyse a problem, you'll find that most of the problem is in a lack of clarity and not defining the issue.
I believe one of the most misunderstood aspects of relationships are that we see relationships as the goal.
Relationships are a mechanism, but not the goal.
The goal is connection. In this episode we went on a quest to understand connection and disconnection at a deeper level.
Transcript
Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships. The podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. I believe that there's free keys to relationships. So that's what we're going to do in the next free meet ups. So tonight we're going to talk about key number one and I believe key number one is connection. So tonight, we're going to be on a quest and we've got Betty and Janell's leading our quest to look at the connection and disconnection.
So we started off in a breakout rooms by discussing when we felt from experience connected or disconnected in relationships. So what did you find? What ideas did you have or any comments, feedback from the discussion? I like the idea of connection or disconnection. Well, he felt that the central feeling at the heart of. Feeling connected is to be supported. So first of all, we look for examples where we felt connected and we kind of reversed, engineered and looked for examples where we didn't feel connected.
So an example was where somebody was trying to communicate with someone and the person wasn't listening because they were on the phone and they had a blank expression on their face. So we said the opposite of that. Then obviously to be listened to and to feel heard and to feel respected and the feelings around that word, to feel acknowledged and for someone to show a genuine interest and to ask questions, you also felt. Another example is when someone shows genuine concern and asks questions and it's like what's bothering you?
And they listen. So the feelings we have were like feeling lighter, feeling validated, respected, respected of your needs and empathy and uplifted and embraced. And really we felt that when people felt heard, they felt relaxed and at the central feeling. So that was to feel supported. And that that was what was one of the most important things to feel connected to someone like.
That's great, thank you. Any other comments from that from that group? And what else? OK, journalist. We may need more find it, this connection, it's coming from the communication, the behavior and expectations. So that came out that like object, the object is change or our common goal is change over the time. He showed us three changes in overtime, so like trying to get over.
It's like it was a situation where somebody wanted to take the other one wanted for kids over the time. So they wanted weekend house or they wanted more like a flat. It can be between each other. It's changed to goals like. That could be the case as well. Yes. Oh, yes. We had a contest issues as well when we feel disconnected. It's unable, actually, to open the other person. So, yeah, honest communication is.
Too much comfort. OK, as in, they got complacent with each other and. Over the time, you know, after a couple of years, they get too much comfort with each other, so they're not doing the same way like in the beginning.
Yeah, too much to keep and not compromise. One person to match, the other one is not compromise. OK? Distance getting critique and called. Distance and it's critics and cause. OK. Lack of respect. And the personal presence. OK, so so like the other groups there where some of you are talking, but not really they're.
OK, can I add something there, Rob? Yes, you just I mean, sometimes, you know, there might be a number of instances, but, you know, obviously sometimes you meet someone and it might be a bit lost in the it or, you know, oh, do make me laugh, you know? So it's I'm not saying it's first day, our first date stuff, but as you get into knows when you might go, that I forget all the, you know, really attractive.
And yeah, sometimes you might not know the personal first by you as you get to know one six months down the line. That's why you might become disconnected, because it's not all just about attraction and gone. They're not fully twenty four, seven or every time you see them, they're not fully normal because I see him five days a week now, but I only used to see him on a Saturday night. While all the effort that made me laugh, I'm trying to say and I'm going to quickly compare that to I used to see my son for two hours a week.
So that two hours is just a highlight, again, a day can be four hours, five hours, whatever it is, and it's just it's all good when you see somebody four times a week, it can't all be good. Yeah, I wouldn't say none gone well, I see in four days a week now, and he's not falling all the time now, was we? What we used to eat once a week is full and. And I just got a few comments as well, will show that basically we're talking about disconnection when a man goes into his cave, which is the classic book, Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, men retreat into the cave.
And that can confuse a woman is confuse me in the past. But I respect the differences. And I would also say that I like to retreat into my cave as well. But men don't always understand that. So it's kind of always getting a little bit of a stereotype in men. And then I apologize because I realized I needed to get more specific about my own experiences rather than generalize, which is the sense that I'm learning not to do that anymore.
But yeah, men, they retreat. But I would like the man when he retreat and say, OK, honey, I'm off for a while, you know, I got to think about this. I will be back and I'll let you know they were ready to publish a man to just say a few things around that and they can spend all they want you to in the cave. But it's not me, they said, like a few words of respect.
You got me.
Yeah, because I think what you're saying is it's not the fact that they go to the cave. It's the fact that you don't know why they've gone to the cave. You don't know what that means.
Absolutely. That's what I do.
But why do you need to know it's there? It's it's probably a part of a ritual because I'm not a man, but I go into whatever it is that I go into.
Yeah. And to work when I come in after a hard day's work, don't speak to me. I don't want to talk to anybody. I'm serious.
I must have my cup of tea and then I'll have my shower. Then you can speak to me then.
It's about communication because if, if one person goes into the cave and they want their space and they want to be left alone for the other person to feel content in that relationship, to still feel that connection, is it that they need to just simply communicate and be like, I need my space? The actually we need to understand first ourselves, what is that feeling? And to know, okay, I need a little time now and after the communication, but so many of us, we not even know I need time.
So it's very difficult to get into the nation until you understand your own behavior, so first you need to understand yourself. Then after he was able to communicate expression, it should come from our first. We need to be able to express for ourselves, for our brain to let know what I actually want now time. And I thought that that makes sense.
I like the way you put that it starts with yourself and then communicating that honestly and openly.
Sometimes even we may not know why we are going into the cave, but you just find yourself there. But there's just the emotion is just you just feel down and you just want to get on with it yourself and you don't want to know how to talk to you about it. But you can't save a man just like, yes, if I could crumble outside the cave financial center, that would make things really, really easy.
But as a mom tends to get more experience when I got into my cave rather than get bored and that's what I got really mean and thought of why are we paying what what you know? And it's like, I don't a minute you can go into your case for what I go into. My case is like drama.
So I'd just like to say it's actually chicken and black beans or some of.
Look, it's not easy, but make sure you put out your socks in the board all your time. Thank you. And you did that.
See, I think that if we are communicating in general, we should have developed a sense of what a person.
What makes a person tick your partner tick what what their their work life is like, if it's a stressful type of job or if they have long days, they come in very tired, et cetera, et cetera. And I think we can go some way in helping them by trying to understand just based on the cues that we're seeing from them as well. And in that way, we can have a proper conversation.
We can ask questions because sometimes you are doing things and you don't even realize that what you are doing is affecting the other person negatively.
I think what's simple sometimes what's happening because women are waiting for the most part, I feel so deep, deep to express their base, but sometimes it does. Well, I'm not just one side, but they just form and delete couples needs to switch off. But sometimes they should do that outside. But most of them they do in front of TV.
Excuse me, I'm not in waiting at home for men to come home and I see Rob died with laughter. But sometimes what man is waiting for wife to come home? Wife is the wife is the bigwig and her husband is junior to wife. Husband is waiting for wife to come home. What about that situation? No, come on. I used to work seven days a week, OK? I was on call as I at some point and I used to travel a lot.
I used to go to a lot of international conferences. Husband had to stay home with baby even though there was a helper. OK, so I am the grumpy one. I have no one to come home. I have a cave. Not here it goes. I'm not blowing my trumpet, OK? I'm just saying that it goes both ways and time to decompress and have some space. And to my mind, if I didn't have that time to not speak, to let my hair down, just to take half the road close and just feel like a human being.
I don't want to hear your problems. Don't tell me about who's doing what in the office and who did what. I can't accommodate it. Give me half an hour and I'll listen to you afterwards. I'm all yours, but just give me that space. And people are often scared.
To be honest. I want my generally all. If you try and communicate these things that no one's perfect. But I think that when do go into that, just to give some indication if that's what's going on, even if it's not worth it to communicate, just to give some indication, sometimes coming back and being left confused and then it just makes things worse.
And if you like, if you're married, I absolutely get, you know, your partner inside and out, you know, all the nuances and all the other reasons. And you can like you, you can play off the keys, you know. But when you first date, when I was talking about when you first go out with somebody and you learned about them, say, in the first six months, unless were giving you stipulations, not like going to OK then.
And yet they they don't contact you like ages and suddenly they appear and safely and you think where the hell if they know, you know, if there's no communication that needs to be more communication. You know, it's so important. One of my love languages is how a man communicates with me. That is my love language. How many presidents like that, but how often communicated with and what they bring the apple crumble or no? I'm not going to leave that other than what I think about the point that those made when he was saying that if you start seeing someone, I mean one night a week and it's an awful and then you see the more and it's not so much, how do you maintain the connection and.
Okay, yeah, that's perfect timing. So whenever we talk, every problem or every situation has different levels. There's the level of the content and that's where we're talking at the moment. And when you talk from the level of the content, it's very emotive and you can't really see much other than where you are in any actual conflict. So there is the content. There's also the concept, what it's about, and then there's the concept context. So we're going to go be abstract and look at the context so that we have a full understanding of connection and how it informs what it's about, how we develop.
And then the question is going to be then to bring it back down to the content. So we have a bird's eye view and so we can see the different sides. Okay, so. All right, so we're going to go abstract. Okay, so, you know, there's the old case. First of all, a quick. Four on this and your first responses to what is connection and what is this connection? We cannot choose to feel known and to feel alone, you need to feel seen and heard and respected and valued.
OK. Also my lover. Should write a book, should write a book, you know, not love what you say. Does anyone else have any views on connection, this connection, connection is things in common? No, you're being listened to and not just if I take it. If somebody listens here on the. They've hated on what you've told them, so hang on, I hate it that you keep putting your feet up on a buffet two days later, every day of the week, the next week, you still put your feet up on the buffet.
