Are Secondary Currencies Costing You Love and Happiness In This Surprising Way?

Welcome to Honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, so part as helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host problem. Phillips.

Tonight we're going to talk about the path to love, wealth and happiness. So in the breakout range, you've been talking about what you'd ask your fairy godmother for. So I'm interested to hear what did everyone ask for?

I can start if you want.

I thought they were all going to be X rated things. Why everyone was being quiet or we could add some of that if you wish.

It wasn't complicated exercise, I think, because to start off with I think we basically agreed that in order to enjoy whatever else we put on the table, the foundation is good health. You can't enjoy much else if you don't have good health. So that's the foundation. That's the first thing that we would all wish to have. Fulfilling relationships and full in relationships, meaning not just there's the full in relationship for a partner, but also there are other relationships that go to make us complete, so family, friends, etcetera.

To have a balance of those types of relationships and a full Asian relationship with our partner. We had a little bit of discussion about that we're talking about. We're looking for supportive partner, somebody who you can grow together with. Oh, my goodness. My handwriting is so bad and last, but not least a good level of intimacy, intimate relationship with that partner and satisfy physical relationship, whatever form that meta happiness and happiness, in our estimation, is quite broad based. It's not the laid 50 kind of thing.

It's more the understanding that there are periods of stress, there are periods where you are under pressure, etc.

Etc.

But that does not mean that at your core, you're not essentially a happy person because you are in alignment with your sense of self and wellbeing and the people who impact you and all of the things that go towards making you a fulfilled person. And then the last no, the last one. Financial security.

Okay.

And financial security does not mean being wealthy. It means being able to satisfy your wishes and whether your needs and your wishes, so to speak. And five last but not least mental stimulation or that's it.

See what about from group one?

It was great on.

I think it was a number to him and I would start.

Yeah, I told them that I want peace of mind, happiness. I'm not looking for money. This is not my aim just to take care of my daughter. They are just finishing the University and to find the real love. The honest love, not a fairy tale and truth. Somebody who is really not taking it, not asking for something that is not real. You know, I'm an honest person. So I'm looking for an honest person. I'm a truth seeker. So I'm looking for a truth seeker. Yes. Thank you.

Okay. I won't speak for I shall let in speak for. Well, for me, it was I'd love to be able to improve my health in some way, be able to help support resources and opportunity in place to be able to do that very parallel to what the other two were saying. Really find my soul mate and I have a supportive relationship and bad connections as well. Make more connections with my kind of tribe. I would love to get a camper van and travel. That would be hunky Dory for me.

Have a home in the Woods. Just like a little knock together home in the Woods.

That'd be good for me. Like a tiny home.

And I'd love to be able to launch career or possibly social enterprise. We can that keep me happy.

My daughter is almost looking at those things. You can live off grid than containers and kind of camper van.

Yeah, you can make them out of their shipping containers. So I'm on it.

Yeah, an Oneal way to go, but a lot populous as well.

Yeah, I saw a line. Really quite reasonable. You can have them like an office in your garden or something.

And you can stack them and build more like Lego Tabula.

Okay.

Thank you. Anyone else did you want to join in?

Any say, Nicole was really fine. It all before I even say what I wanted. She said, I can't guarantee that's what you want, and she hit a hundred percent. I want nothing.

Yeah, I was expecting.

I want to earn it. I don't need anything as the presence. I want to admit, if I really need something, that means having myself again. The only reason just to be able to sit down a couple of hours a week and speak with myself, to understand more myself. Nothing else I need in life just to be able to express with my mind again. My thoughts. I think nothing else. All the rest in the world. What everybody wants to have a bitch. It's the behavior of what you can learn in my perspective.

Is there anyone else that would like to add in before we move on? Okay. So we don't have the fairy godmothers Association on tonight. What I wanted to talk about. We talked a bit last week about you contact them.

Them?

They are listening at LEAs the recording.

So, yeah, I'm going to send my listed. Yeah, we talked last week about primary and secondary currencies. And this is really what I wanted to talk about is if you think biologically. So I've also talked about there's a basic conflict in anything that you're dealing with. People is a basic conflict. And that conflict is we've got the biology of instincts and drives, of how we feel, what we're capable of. And then we're in a context of social context with social rules, social norms. And we're told we must should be to conform to some convention and some conventional standards.

And when you look at. So when you look at school, we go in and everybody's got to sit down. And it's not natural for five year old kids to sit in rows and wait, put up their hand. And it's not even a natural way of learning palm, that whole rope and being drilled into you, because really, every species ever, every biological creature evolves from what needs. So if you look at a plant is the most basic form. It needs light, heat, water and carbon dioxide. And so if it gets that, it grows and it fries in the same way, I think if we get what we need, we grow and we thrive.

And when we don't get what we want, if we don't have those things that we need, we can't grow, we can't be at our best. So I think this primary currencies, as in the things that we want, we want. So when people talk about and if you ask most people what I had down first was most people would talk about financial freedom or security. They would talk about a relationship, and they would talk about something that they wanted to do, like, as in they wanted to contribute or they wanted to achieve something.

So when we talk about a relationship and I like that, I think everyone, when they mentioned relationship, break it down. And yet the three different examples were different aspects of relationships. So being supported, having a soulmate, being a partner, being true, being a true love relationship and not fake. What I really want to talk about is we have primary currencies, which are the things that we need. So as humans, we need to feel free. We need to feel connection. We need to feel love. We need to feel belonging.

We need to feel stimulated. We need growth, we need to feel safe, we need security. And then we've got these core. These are like the primary currencies. These are the things that we actually really want or need. But what happens is mix star in this whole social system is like relationship becomes a proxy for connection. It becomes a proxy for intimacy. It becomes a proxy for connection, love, intimacy, all of those things. So when people say, I really want a relationship, what they're really saying is, I really want love, connection, support.

I want partnership. I want that kind of soulmate thing. But we call it a relationship. And where people get mixed up is they get into relationships that don't really give them the things that they need, the connection, the support, the partnership, the intimacy. But they stay in it because they think the alternative is not having the relationship. And they think it's the relationship that brings that. But it's only the right relationship that will bring that intimacy that support that soul mate. That true love currency. And so we mistake the mechanism, which is a relationship or money is also another mechanism that people get confused with, because essentially money is like if there was a zombie apocalypse, money would have no use.

If the big currency took off, and suddenly we lost all faith in money, money would have no purpose. As soon as there is a significant enough disruption to the social system where we no longer trust money, money will lose any value because money is a proxy and it only lasts like, there's protection so that we can't have a run on the bank. Like in Brazil, there was a time when money was worthless because inflation was going up so much percent that like a cost of bread in the day was skyrocketing, so that the money became less relevant.

And so then you get black markets and all other kinds of things. But so many people talk about they need money, but it isn't necessarily money security. It's freedom. It's time. And so what I wanted to talk about tonight is to separate the primary currency from a mechanism or a secondary currency. A primary currency would be something like connectional. Love, the mechanism for that would be a relationship. So then there's also the fact that once you introduce, like, if you have dogs or cats or something like that, they don't have any sense of shame because they don't have the social system that installs on them.

You're a bad person because you do this. So before this, I took my dog out for a walk and he decided to roll around a shit.

And.

If a child did that, all his friends would be laughing to mock him for the next year at school. But a dog, it's just what they do. So animals are because they don't have that social system. They don't have that same sensors. Shame. We have, like, one of the primary problems of relationships or relationships break at the point of conflict, they break in a point of conflict because we don't know how to know how to resolve it. And so we judge someone and we lose connection over that.

And so that's really the point where relationships break. We don't have enough communication because we're not honest, and we're not honest because we feel there's something shameful about what we really want. People are arguing about clothes on the floor, the cap being off the toothpaste, the dishes not been done. But what they're really arguing about is, I don't feel connected. I don't feel safe, I don't feel seen. I don't feel supported. But we don't say I want more support. We say I'm pissed off because you never pick up.

I'm the one who always has to do this every time. We're always late because of this. So the clearer that we can get about what it is, we really want, the clearer the communication we can have. Okay, so I'm just going to share this screen. And this is something we talked about. I think we first talked about in the five day sprint. Okay. So basically, I said that we need four. There's four basic needs that we have of why we want a relationship and a relationship is nutritious to the extent that supplies these needs.

And that is to feel safe, to feel seen to feel supported and feel satisfied. Now, I found it interesting that people talked about having a partnership where they felt supported, and they talked about money in terms of feeling safe and secure. So what I think would be interesting to do now is if you look at these four needs and you think about what you asked your fairy godmother for which Quadrant would each of those go for? So if you are looking for and again, this isn't just looking for financial for money, and therefore it's safety, because as talked about times, time can be bought with money, and money can be gained by time.

So it's being really clear about behind the thing that I want. What is it that I really want? So if it's a relationship, is it support? It could go in any one of these. This is where words become. We use words to communicate to share ideas, but the words mean different things to different people. And so the communication can be confused. So we need to be clear about what it is. You really mean by what you want. Okay. So if we have if you want to, you can turn off your camera out and just look at where are the things that you want?

What Quadrant are they and what's the primary currency that your that you want. And you can also look at what did I maybe think was the what was the mechanism? And did I confuse the mechanism for the primary currency? So if you do that, if you turn your screens off and turn it back when you're ready to come back, and then we'll know when we're ready to move on for me.

I think it's supported and satisfied, because if you are supported and you will be satisfied, definitely, you will be seen and you will be safe. I mean, the four of them are connected. But what is the most important thing is if you are supported with somebody that he feels, your feeling that he shares with you, your problems and your happiness. So you will be satisfied with this support, then definitely you will be seen and the result of the three definitely I will be safe. So I think I mean, I can put it this way.

Supported, satisfied seem safe. If I'm going to put a we want to put it as a category.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah. That's a good point, because when you're looking to kind of clarify something, you have to kind of compartmentalize it's breaking apart. So you're able to see the different bits. And then part of the mastery is integrating the mole. So they all become one thing.

May I just say and that's something because I'm at work, so I cannot talk much. But I will try to make it. I believe the biggest problem of any relationship is that when you go to a relationship that you want to take and at the same time, you imagine that this person is going to be this or going to be that or she's going to be the most prettiest girl in the world, or he's going to be the most strongest man in the world. I believe it's sort of a faking idea about a relationship, but if you're going to a relationship because you have decided and you take the choice that I'm going to love this woman or I'm going to love this man, whatever happened to him.

So I'm ready to give but not to take. I'm ready to give and give and give. So I believe that relationship or the real loving relationship is for giving and not waiting for taking. Because anyway, if you are giving definitely you will have you will get 100%. Thank you.

I'm thinking that for me, the culmination of the things that I would see in a good relationship would lead me to the satisfied Quadrant. In other words, when I think of being seen, I think of things like mental stimulation as something that I would enjoy in my relationship, and I think for that to occur, you have to be seen and heard. That's a very important thing to me being safe. I think of things like financial security, think of honesty and trust, and I think of trust probably being the most important one of those because having financial security without trust me, it doesn't do anything, it doesn't work and supported is an odd one in this context.

For me, I am thinking supported. Okay, fine. Supported. In the whole discussion about growing together, I would think that supported enables that to occur in the sense of both parties individually being able to grow and feeling safe and secure, feeling free to evolve because they're supported. So to me, that's where I would feel supported in a relationship where I am free to evolve, singly, but also to bring that into the relationship and to also be able to do that for my partner. Right. And so to me, when I bring those all together, I think that gives me satisfaction or being satisfied in with my relationship.

Anyone see anything different or anything a lot.

It is strange because for me it's a little bit different because I think if I am being seen, it means I will be supported. And if I am satisfied as well, because we are hopefully we adding everything together to working towards for a better relationship. And if I can see the we are working our relationship together, I will tear my not safe.

Yeah, I think like words, whatever our outlook is and whatever we want, like wherever our experience of life has been, all the things that have made us who we are are going to change what we want and that so that's going to show up a slightly different for everyone. So the meaning of these is going to be slightly different for everyone. And what everyone wants from them is going to be slightly different. And so.

For me.

I would call it slightly different and sin. I would sit there more like being heard. I think most of us was looking mainly to being heard and to be understand. Yes, that's related a bit a bit the scene. But that's coming from the kind of communication where we do communicating, not to apply it's to understand from where that person coming from, wherecoming that communications. And in 15.

Yeah. I'm wondering if this is a difference, as in I'm really very visual. So to me it seemed and maybe you're more auditory. And it's heard because to me that means heard, understood. But to me, the most natural word is seen. So I don't know. Are you more auditory? As in like, I'm very low on auditory, as in someone speaks to me, and it's hard for me to take it in. I read it. And it's easy because I think we're saying the same thing.

But.

The scene and heard means the same to everyone else. Like the context behind it very similar.

But the scene is more for me, like you physically have to be there with the person everything by hearing, you can have a distance connection as well be the person.

Okay. Yeah. For me, scene is not literally, but I see you as a person. It's kind of like, isn't there an African greeting which is like, I see you.

For me, it is to be acknowledged, which takes a lot.

Not acknowledge. Understood is dater and acknowledged is not.

Yeah. When I say acknowledge, what I mean is that it takes in both the visual and the auditory. So I'm just saying that that's what scene connotes to me what it actually means at the deeper level, as you're saying is. Yeah, it's more fundamental than that. But to me, it is an acknowledgement of you, the person, whether you're present or I'm just hearing you, you don't have to be. It is the ability to connect with you through either media.

Yeah. Is that understood? That's recognized. I feel the real you and not the person like the object in front of me.

And as accepted is what I was thinking to be accepted that you're noticed and you're accepted.

Yeah. Except for me, there's free keys, which are awareness of knowing it's their acceptance and alignment with it.

I'm.

Okay. So the next part is when these leads aren't met to look from your observations of and it may be easier to see the people around you, like, wherever you are. Like, if you're at school or if you're in a workplace, you can look at people and you know, you see the attention seeker. You see the one who's got to talk for the sake of it. You see the one who's got to have a bigger and better experience of everything you see, the one that always wants to be in control.

So for me, my favorite ever TV comedy was The Office, the English one. And because you see all those characters in almost every workplace, I someone who plays the buffoon and thinks they're really looked up to like the David Brent, the Gara who wants to have status and be above the people, like all the other weird and one for characters. So I'm looking and this isn't, like definitively all worked out. But I think satisfied is really about final growth. I think supported is really about that sense of partnership, that belonging, feeling that you belong somewhere.

I think safe is about wanting control, want in control over your environment and being seen is popularity. So by that, what I mean is that when we don't have these things. So when we don't feel safe, we try and control when we don't feel supported. So when we don't feel team, I think we look for popularity. So I think there is in our culture there's a a craving for Fame and star them. And that's really about wanting to be seen, that people don't feel special. And so they want people to see them.

And they want to be special people who if you look at really powerful people, you look at someone that devoted their life to amassing money to amassing power and position. It's usually because they didn't feel safe and they want control or possibly sometimes not feeling soon.

So.

I think there's four real primary currencies there, which is being satisfied about feeling content. Being seen is about feeling that you matter. Being safe is about feeling secure and being supported is feeling like you belong. But when you don't feel seen, people will do all these attention, getting things and drama to feel that they're interesting enough to get your attention. So the person in the meeting that they always want to have the last word, like whenever you go to parents evening, there's always someone who's asking silly questions and just dominating the thing for.

And it just seems like they always want to be heard and talk about what happened over the holidays or whatever, whatever experience. There's always the control freak who wants to manage everything, to know what time everything happens to what we doing, when where are we doing it? How is it going to be is going to be there. And that's about not feeling safe. There's the person that gives themselves up in order to be popular. And that can be about wanting to belong like Peter Pan, he never grows up.

Who always wants to be having fun is about not feeling satisfied. Okay. So what I think we do is go to breakout rooms and talk about a friend or someone that you has. Everyone come across one of those annoying people, someone on your Facebook feed who wants to tell you about every time that they've done something, every little thing that they've done, someone who seems will do anything for the likes, the person who has to have the newest car, the best house, the designer clothing, the person who needs to tell you about every story and every drama, the person that wants to try and control everything.

So.

If you think about people you've come across at work, your friendship groups, socially, school or anywhere like that. And so what I want you to do in the discussion is think about what is it they really want. What are they lacking that they're trying to get by doing that behavior. Everyone understood. Okay. So I'm just going to open up the breakout rooms again. Again. Don't click at the end. And that means that you've got 1 minute warning when they close. Okay. So I'm really interested to see any examples you can share about where you've seen someone looking, like distorting their natural behavior to get some distorted version of that need that they have.

We talk with me. And when you say the things it's aimed. Two things in my mind, the reason why these people are doing because they have insecurities and other words. It came they're looking for the outside confirmation, the worthy enough. We're all going through about this pattern. It's just different story I went through about. I think we all do.

Yeah, I think, especially for them there's that that theory of women want love. Men went respect. And what that respect is really about is about wanting to feel seen, which we need to feel seen because we don't feel enough. And so we want the validation from people outside. Yes. I think that's a real key point is that many of the knees were looking for other people for is to patch and insecurity that we don't have ourselves. And a lot of the time, people are looking for a partner or a relationship to cover an insecurity or a weakness of theirs that they don't think they can do.

I'm trying to think of I remember the exact examples, but I remember very clearly conversations where someone was. But why I want is someone that will kind of cover my, like, my weak areas and I'll cover their weak areas. And another way that people have that less conscious way is like, the most vivid example of this, I think, is like the yeah, blind supplies. It's like gold diggers. I think, you know, like the dream of bagging a file and being like, what name? Colleen Rooney and Victoria Beckham.

And the modern once is really about feeling like, I don't feel I can get there on my own. But by someone finding me attractive, getting in a relationship, I can live that kind of lifestyle. Anyone else got any examples where they can talk about?

You were just saying, Robert, they can live that lifestyle and so on on validation. So it's not one men prefers then I.

Think a lot of men have affairs. And so a pattern I've noticed, is men will leave a relationship after 25 years that they're happy in. And it's really about they don't feel respected. Like if you spoke to them, they won. I don't feel respected. And they meet someone who suddenly looks up to them, whereas their wife and their kids like here again, you see the same silly jokes and anyone you live with for 20 years is never going to put you on a pedestal. But suddenly they meet someone who puts them on a pedestal and they feel more important.

Or it's the fact that they don't feel attractive. And so they meet someone else and it makes them feel attracted makes them feel attractive. So it's not usually about sex.

Yeah. I.

They need to feel that they can still pull as they get older or whatever.

And a lot of particularly men who never settle down partly because of attachment style, but partly because of it's a feeling that they don't feel that they can make a relationship work. But the constant validation of a short term fling makes them feel that they're attractive and they still got it and they could if they wanted to.

Alright, that's why she got on about ten. Sorry why men don't commit when they ghost.

I think often the ghosting is because they feel that they're about to be found out.

Yeah. Yeah.

Danish, I need to ask for pick something. Actually, ladies, quite often they having more affairs than men, just hidden information that out there is the information they're actually having more than the man's. It's just a kind of social stigma. They start like a stamp and guess why this happening. The reason because they can't communicate what missing the man's being teacher, actually being teacher to be a good boy, a good man. And guess what? Women don't need good man. They need somebody who can express their sexuality. But the man's, when they get teached to be a good boy, they never can express their sexuality.

And they feel they have to hide from the womans because they will look at them different ways and then the one different way that's when we not like it. And that's why it's so much affair around because they are unable to communicate express their needs. How you say the Rob this shame through what we want. I think that's one of the key message, what I get today when you said and it's so true. We feel the other person will judge us by how looking as before they look at us like a God.

You know, like in a pedestrian suddenly that dropped down and we don't want to feel that both sides women or men.

Yeah.

ed in our society in the last: 2030

And also in the same way that men will go for respect. Women will often go for validation, because if they've been in a relationship 10, 15, 20 years, they're not feeling as attractive in the sense of they feel like maybe they've put on white. Maybe they're not as young as they used to be. And they feel that maybe. And so it's kind of like that thrill of knowing that you still have it for both men and women is I'm sorry.

But I really hit them. Somebody says women has more opportunity on dating side because I think it is. It's not true. Yeah. Probably we do have to more opportunity to get a one night stand. But because men are, in my experience on dating size, men are most likely to looking for less like long relationship, more like a really short and satisfying one. So no, it's really not easier for women to find a real partner. Yeah. It depends what you are looking for. But as for a real partner, no, it's not.

It's more harder. And I think what I saw in my sin. So the man expectation from women is so high sometimes I just don't understand. So a woman has to a good looking look after herself, being pretty well dressed and clean Tralala and on the other side, demands are not really getting that they have to show something as well most of the time what I saw in my age, man, they are looking for more like if I look a little bit better, I don't want my age because I want to prove it.

Yeah. I want somebody who is just 20 years old or 30 years old, because yeah, look at that. I can get them. And it's just so sad because come on, really? Do you want to go for a party every night? Do you really think you can chat with her about anything? Because their mindset is not there yet. And that girl in 510 years time, they want some children when you are going to be 50, 55, 60. What are you going to do then? Are you going to have a children when you are almost retired?

And it's just so don't say that the woman has more or we have more opportunities having sex, but it still is not what I want from a relationship.

Yeah, that's fine.

If you go for dating site, getting somebody in my bed, you can see that.

Yeah.

What I mean is for a woman to have a relationship. There's more opportunities. So like if she's actively looking and she can go on a dating site and it's no problem to have like happening.

Let me ask one more thing for this when you think, yeah, we do having a kind of expectation kind of yes, but let's the opposite side when the ladies are expecting that much from the men as well. We're all having. And that's normal when we go in the relation by not expecting from other something just by sure who you are and expected the person who they are. We.

I am everybody. I expect to get me some peace. Can I get some fees for my age men? Can they have some fees? Because most of the time they do have fees.

Agnes, if you're just looking for this, guess what? You know what you will get just only these people. Because actually, when you say for your mind, don't think about the ban monkey, what you will see. Am I going to tell you to do what you're not looking for? It because your brain will manifest that, unfortunately, think about opposite, because that's how it's going out in it will bring all these people in your life need to do different ways is to work out so far.

No.

Yes. I must tell you, if I took you through my sites to show you the gentlemen who present themselves to me, you would not say that, Agnes, I tell you, I wonder about the Chiefs. I really do, because some of them. Really? I mean, no one please.

Really nice.

I'm not looking for them. I'm telling you, I have decided that the average man who presents himself has been in his 60s. We are not compatible. Which is sad, really, really sad.

Okay, because I'm not because you like chanting.

Yeah.

So you like camping because I.

This is the point. The point is I'm looking for somebody who has a zest for life. And to me, having vest for life means that you take care of yourself. I'm not asking for no. Who is the most sexy fellow that I can think of. Young fellow that I can think. No, I can't. No, not even going there. But you know what I mean? I'm not asking for somebody who's got every hair in place and looks like he's a GQ model. That's not what I want. But to me, if somebody takes care of themselves, then present themselves in a reasonable way.

It means that they have a sense of pride, sense of self. So you know, it's somebody who is not that insecure, that I will have to be always on tenterhooks with what I see and what I do. And so for a certain level of confidence, that's all. And that I can present them in public. Because if you can't be seen in public with me, I'm not having you.

But go for somebody a bit younger girls.

Listen, that many younger are not the right direction. No, probably not for me. Younger. They are ten years younger.

So just ten years younger for a lot.

I agree. I agree.

I feel like you come on. The younger younger they need to grow up. I am not their mother. I don't want to to teach them how they live their lives. And most of the time.

They are still just Agnes, a 68 year old man, told me that she would like counter down the road, which I know.

Probably I was the one. This is a good thing about recording. So.

So what I'm going to be, you know, with a walking. What am I doing? I know. I'm sorry. Please. If she's going to be a younger man, that listen, if John calling that 88 is having here at 60 Watt, that Deacons my card. I find a good. I don't want 1st, 20 or 28 years younger than me, but I mean, what's wrong with that?

Sandra?

It.

You need a slot in love. Have you seen the movie?

Listen to me, okay? You do it. I tell you, I need to move to Italy, okay? Because that is where I can find one of them. Because they are there to know where, where I live. After I've been to all the gyms and no, they're not. There. The problem. Get on female there. So they're not there. I don't know where they are.

Maybe you need to change the gym.

Let me give you an idea. Go with Dayoung cheeks to the gym. And after I have a drink with them. And definitely you will have Menson. You change the strategy rather than say those ladies are not good for it, you know, even to like your sightings.

You know, I live in a town of cockles and the cockles. Many of the wives are insecure. They don't want me around. I'm afraid of you. I'm telling you. Listen, I'm telling you the truth. And this is coming from my son. Okay? When he was at school and I met one father of his friend and his father went and told his wife that he met Brandon's mother. And she's very pretty. Oh, my goodness. Gracious said wife does not speak to me. She was very. And I'm like, oh, hang on.

What's going on? And I found this out from my son. You understand? Because I don't have a husband with me. So I'm not part of her couple. So I'm not safe. So I need a place with lots of single men, not married ones and married women. I need secure people around me.

A.

Younger man look around the retirement. So maybe they are with some lot of lovers are.

So yes, I'm going to have to find a 50. Okay, I'm going to do the ad. No, Rob, you promised that we were going to look at how to do data insights and stuff, right? And profiles and all the rest. So I'm now going to put my boundaries 45 to 55. What say you all.

Your stops the main thing.

Of course, I agree that's the thing and that's a biological age or different. That's how you measure it because it might be somebody biologically. Is that age do it physically as well.

You know, that's a problem. That's a problem. It is more ahead thing. It is more a mental thing than anything else because I am young at heart. I don't think in an old way.

I don't think your heart is young.

May I do the.

I'm still on it, Sandra. We'll move on it soon.

We'll talk a bit more about and will each for Sandra or just set up a profile for her everybody not to be alone.

Or I think I think there's a problem with faking apps in that dating apps promise people what they want. And the problem is the idea of what you want isn't really what you want. I think there's two types of people. I think there's goal seekers who seek to get their goals and they navigate through life to get what they want. And this is where they're really confused about the currencies. And the difference is a truth seeker uses the events to enrich and evolve their goal. So there are all the things that we want.

But if everyone thinks that if they want a lottery, they would be happy and they feel financially figuring out would be it. But statistically, we know that lottery winners are less happy after women lottery than before. I mean, I saw I think it was today or yesterday. I saw a headline of someone, a woman on 5.5 million lottery and her and her husband was arrested for attempted murder of her and obviously had a Barney on that. But there are. I can remember about 20 years ago, there was like this bin man.

He had been in lots of travel. He was a young lad and he won a lottery and they used to show all the way that he traveled in. It was only like five or ten years and he spent everything. And there's so many stories of that.

It is from that if you are winning, if you want a later, you shouldn't share this information with your husband. Do I understand the road here making serious?

It was like an argument rather than he was trying to get her money. And also like, people think that they want this relationship. And this is what dating apps will do. And so you'll meet someone and you for Hello, the Hills in the last think I own the one and it will be great for two or three years. And then suddenly it crashed down. And I think there's a problem with the dating process where because dating as a commercial. So therefore they have to sell the dream the dream.

There's a flaw in your thinking which leads to, like in the cultural story and the narrative about relationships, which leads to the problem with of not being able to cap the conflict with not having enough communication and losing connection. So I think really, you have to type in a different way and this one talks about this anyway, and then we move on.

Yeah. Basically, I just want to add for that rope when you think about this money and everything, but people not realize it's not the money, the issue. It's the behavior because, yes, they want to be reached most of the people and everything, but they never have the ability to behavior how to handle money. They never have the risk taking behavior. What personally, I can see behind the money what the people need to learn abundance of the money. Yes, I can lose it. Risk taking. I can lose it tomorrow.

And guess what? I can make it again and I can make it again and I can make it again. They not worry about to lose it because they know part of the game. And that's simple how we should live our life on top of that, not just risk taking. They just, you know, they're using as the tools. That's not their goal. That's like just a beginning. And that should be in most of the things. We just always see what we want. But we don't need to see we don't have the strategy behind how we can that.

Yes. Thank you for.

Can I add one thing? The whole idea is it's all about the media. It's all about the media. So if you think any of us will think and open the locals for us or the house and you find the things that you never try it once or twice. But you bought it. The thing is why you bought it because you had a lot of advertising, because you had a lot of marketing about it and so on. So it's all about the media. The thing is why I got married since a long time, why I got married and why this woman specially or this man specially because it's again about the illusion of the idea of the glory girl or the most amazing girl.

I was just joking and I was saying my amazing woman was Almah or Monica, but when I was young because this is the fake idea of the woman that I want, it's only about her look, but not about what's inside. I never live with Salma hike, or I never lived with this woman. So I know who she really is, but the same thing with a dating, it's about the media. It's about that. I want something. It's in my mind. But actually, it's not true. I and I believe that this leads to another fake relationship.

But if you are going to go and go into this site or really looking for somebody who really loves you and really honest, having the same mentality and you have to have communication and at the same time, you love the same thing suitable for each other. I cannot know somebody that is totally the opposite or against my beliefs. Or again, is the things that I love, so definitely will crash. But I'm looking for someone who is suitable for me. It's not about the dream, which is a bubble that is going to broke.

But it's a lasting life, which I believe is totally different between your imagination or the things that you think about it or whoever thinks and the real life, you know. Thank you. Yes.

So there's the illusion, the illusion of what we want. And I'm just trying to try to recall it's really like having clarity over what you really want. So you need to grow what you really want. So our dreams are that we're going to get what we want before we deserve it. So one is talking about you've got to have, in my word, you got to have, like, the psychological structure to get that. And it's like the habits and the behavior and the four patterns that make that happen more naturally.

So I talked about lottery love. And there is a poll recently of what people wanted to be when they were growing up of children. I can't remember a few years ago and almost all of them wanted to be like Beyonce when you talk to kids now, it's kind of like they want to be YouTubers or influencers. And before that, it was film stars and rock stars and all the boys that love football want to be renewed or they want to be messy. And yet most of us aren't built.

We don't have those talents. But it's because because football has so much attention, it creates the so really what that's about is about wanting to be Beyonce or messy or.

A.

Film star is about wanting to be recognized as special, to be really good at something that you do, the people that do that like the girl that one ran out or something new on the tennis yesterday. She's obviously dedicated and put thousands of hours in. But she she's obviously got a talent Messi. A once in a generation made up of someone who's got those skills have the opportunities, no dedication. Wanting to be someone else. Wanting someone else's skill is wanting something without having the makeup and the practice and the dedication of getting there.

And I think what would really make all of us happy and like having studied happiness quite extensively and wrote a book on it and cancel lots of people. It's really happiness is really about your design, being able to flourish. So having everything that you need, having all your needs met and those evolving select bigger and bigger goals. What we have to look at now is. So the title of The Path to Love, wealth and Happiness is about how do we really get what we really want in life?

, we're going to have, like,: 4100

Some people are born into more opportunities. Some people are born and they're born into lots of money, and they have lots of privilege and opportunity. So that is a resource, your level of intelligence as a resource attractive you are, how charismatic you are, how talented you are in a different field, how creative that you are. But it's about how do you use those resources that you have, which means how do you use your time? How do you spend your money? How do you use your network?

How do you use your intelligence? How do you use your attractiveness creativity or whatever that you have?

So.

There'S Anders Ericsson first talked about 10,000 hours, but it was popularized by Malcolm Gladwell in the book Outliers. And what we really showed was that we grow up thinking, like Mozart is to post a child of geniuses to form. There's just some people that are just for. And what Gladwell showed was that Mozart was writing symphonies or performance Symphony at Free, and he was writing them in his teens. But it wasn't until this late 20s that he wrote anything worth listening to. There's also an example of, like, there were loads of Russian tennis players at one time, like all the female Tennessee Champions for a period came from the same Russian school.

So he's talking about the opportunity. He talks about the tech entrepreneurs like Steve Jobs. Bill Gates, Larry, a person who met billions. It happened like, Bill Gates is mom worked at a University, and he got access to computers before anyone else did. And so. So Malcolm Gladwell talked about having 10,000 hours, the right opportunity and at the right time that enabled. That's really what we call genius. So when we think of, like, artistic genius, we think of DA Vinci, Michelangelo Donatello, all of those, like the Italian Renaissance.

But there is a reason why the Italian Renaissance happened. And what really happened was that there was the Medici family valued art and wanted to be in a place of power, enabling people to make things happen. And so they funded when they saw talent in artists, they funded them and really freed them from the day to day worry of existence. And so these people were able to obsess over their craft. And so you've got this flourishing and this network of people that learn from each other and were able to evolve each other from that possibility.

So wherever there's all of these times in history where there's certain circumstances have collided and people have been able to their time. So what I'm trying to say is the life that we live is a reflection of our experiences and our opportunities. But it's also the beer that we have that we have agency over. How do we spend our time? How do we do? We can watch Netflix, we can read books, we can learn stuff, or we can waste time so we can develop intelligence. We can like now, if in what you're doing is like, there's so much knowledge, you can learn pretty much anything.

So there is the ability to develop talent more now than there ever has been. We also have a lot more leisure time than people in my other errors, how do you channel that resources into what you want? So it's first of all, clarifying, what is it? The thing that you really need is a connection is stimulation. Is it safety security? So being really clear of that, it's using your resources to get what you really want. But what usually people do is they're lacking some lacking the feeling of feeling seen.

And so they'll see attention or they all see respect or they'll see popularity. And so when we chase those kind of secondary or tertiary currencies, what we're doing is we're getting something that is more ephemeral. And so we can't rebuild a kind of capital base.

So.

If we're looking for attention, then we're getting something in the moment, but at the expense of developing a base of talent. So like the little girl that wants to be Beyonce on a little boy that wants to be messy. The ones like that really dedicate themselves to developing football skills, to develop themselves to musical and dance. Talent are the ones that have a shot of doing that in their own kind of way. But the ones that play a being on the poster and showing the tricks are the ones that spend their currencies achieving something other than what they really want.

I think you really nice described that. However, I would add one more piece. You can also achieve this by putting enough time, energy and enough courage. Look at the opposite side. Christian Rondo, he didn't have a skill at all, but he didn't give a shit about and he went for it, and he's still doing. And that's how he can compete himself. And he loves to have messy because he can compete himself at a higher level. And he loves that. And we all need that in order to feel that unique.

And that's what we are looking. You want to be unique? Guess what? What you do to be unique, you have to do what 99% will not do. Don't give a shit about what does Pep.

Yeah. I think Renaldo is like the poster child for dedication, discipline and work. Okay. Does that make sense to everyone?

Can I say one thing also, because I think it's very important is how fast. You want the thing, how fast you want, the things like you're talking about the small girl that she wants this or the boy that he wants to be messy. The only thing that he sees is the same and the amount of money that he's getting, the amount of light that he is having. But actually, we never know the amount of effort that they're doing to reach to this. When I was watching the Olympics in Tokyo and I was watching the amount of happiness when they are getting the metals and so on.

So. But nobody is telling us unless the Olympics is finished, then we will know the amount of effort and the amount of pain and the amount of the dedication that they did to reach to this. So if I just want now, now, now the best woman for me. I will not get it because I wanted everything in our world at the moment is delivery. You can have anything in the whole world is delivery anything. Either it's neuron Corona or even after on whatever it is either it is now everything is just online.

Everything is on your touch and you cannot get all of this in life just in that speed. You have to give it time for getting more information, getting more experience, knowing others and you cannot just in 5 seconds. I'm done with it. No, you cannot do that. Thank you.

Yeah, I think that's really, really important to recognize that. I think we can get everything but primary currencies. I think we can get secondary currencies delivered, but things like connection, trust those kind of things. What we really want comes from other humans and we can get our economy is kind of distorted that you can buy personality. You can buy someone for the night like you can have an escort for the night, but you can't have love. You can find someone to marry. If you've got enough money, you can find a young girl is attractive, but it doesn't mean she's going to lov you.

Doesn't mean that you're going to get the relationship that you want. I think it's really about game. What we want is not about instant gratification, I think is like the marshmallow principle where they talked about where they did the experiment with children who could delay gratification was a reflection of how successful they would be later in life. Because it's about how you can use your resources over time to get what you want. Sorry, Agnes, I know your Hammers up.

It's fine because we are just changed the topic though. It doesn't matter anymore.

Okay. Did you want to go back to that?

No, it was just okay. I was just going to ask, what do you think it is easier now? Because it said every knowledge is available because everything is available at the moment. Is it better now or it was easier in a reassessment? You can just get one thing and you can master it. And after when you must remove to the other one, because at the moment, sometimes I think people are trying this one, this one, this one, this one. But they are not really mattering everything.

Yeah.

What they do. And I'm not sure if it is better than, like an internet. And I think it is the same with the relationship and everything because people are just moving from one to the other.

Yeah. I really like George Lenner book Mastery, where he talks about to do anything well, is really about mastery. And actually, like Ronaldo Messi, Beyonce, they've achieved mastery. And the enemies of mastery are the Dabblers who want to just do something and they love the bars of it working well. And then as soon as it doesn't may move on. And so these are the people that they have a new relationship, and it's great. And then as soon as it becomes hard work or anything, as soon as I there isn't as satisfying.

They're jumping onto the next one, and they're always trying to get the relationship. They want it to be this perfect relationship without actually putting in the foundations. So there's the Dabbler, the hacker is just happy where they are. And the delete hacker and another one, the Dale, the hacker. Can anyone remember the other one? Because we talked about this before. Yeah. But these are people are obsessive. So this is the person that the relationship is kind of going like this and then they want it to jump higher.

And so they'll come on, let's go away for the weekend. And I've done this surprise thing for you so that the person's happy with them. But those peak, you can't continually go up, because what you're going to do after you've away for a we and then you're going to take him away for Miritis for a month. But where do you go from that? There's only so much you can pump that up. So every high is going to have a down, and it's going to be an equivalent down.

And the problem that people have mastery mastery is when that goes down, how do you bring it up? Everyone who's not not focused on Mars Street is focused on. How do I make them feel better next weekend? The master is like, okay, how do I constantly create that level? And when it goes down, do I bring it up a Renaissance now, right. So the difference between the Renaissance and now is that that period of history created a body of knowledge of art. And it created how to sculpt Michelangelo how to do that detailed in.

And so those artists left behind a record. And so everyone that came after them was better because of that. It's like Roger Bans to run the first four minute mile. He broke the four minute mile, and everyone after that broke it because psychologically, they did it. But also they could see what they had to do. We're out of state where you're not going to invent the great you're not going to do like what DaVinci said. Davinci did because he was in all these kind of fields.

Although if you look at Elon Musk, he's doing something pretty similar. Spaceflight Tesla PayPal solar panels, whatever else he's in. The thing is, it's not about achieving objective greatness. It's about what is it that you bring? Because there's something in all of your interests in all of your experiences, there's something uniquely different about you. And so when you bring that level of knowledge brilliance through yourself, it's going to come out in a different way. So in the Renaissance, I don't know a lot about art, but I know, like Michelangelo is very difficult to DaVinci, and all of them had their own kind of style, like someone who knew art would go, yeah, that's a Donatello refuel or whatever.

So this slight differences, the slight differences that make us argue. So every couple is going to argue, and that's going to be the breaking point of whoever the relationship works or not. That is the point of can they accept their differences? So in the same way, your art is going to be different. So Ronaldo and Messi are very different. But they've achieved it basically speaker similar level of achievement. And I don't know if I've gone off the point, but I think it is the same, but it's a higher level because we've evolved.

We have that other basis, like Isaac Nuisance. I am standing on the shoulders of Giants. We're not starting off from there. We already got the head start. The difference now is that relationships are much more intense because we live longer. We have higher expectations. We don't need the relationship. And all other times, people were lucky to live much longer than as if you look at the average age of us here, that would probably be the average life expectancy of most people in those times. So one or the other would be unlikely to have survived that much longer.

So relationships weren't as long. He didn't stand there's much time. There was like couples would live together and work together, but they want they didn't have leisure time like we have. So I don't know if that answers it, or.

They have less.

Yeah. And there was no expectation. They didn't have Brad and Angelina Raw, or that's probably the best example like this loving couple that they wanted to live up to. They didn't expect anymore. Really, when you're looking at like, if you work to map out the equation, it's about the assumptions and expectations. The lower that your expectations are, the easier it is to achieve, the less assumptions you have, the less assumptions you have, the less danger you have in the relationship.

When people make assumptions is often because he hasn't got the communication skills as well. So they can't articulate what they need to say.

Yeah. And because they haven't had the conversation. They don't understand the other person. So they jump to assumptions. And also because although we have more time, as in more years, there's also probably when you look at people how stress they are, how busy they are. When you look at how many other distractions we have, we're on our phones and we we're at the inner, but we're looking at text messages. We're thinking about what happened in the meeting today. So there's all those other things that we use, assumptions and lack of communication or a lack of time.

So think about that. If I always say that comparison is the teeth of enjoyment. And long, long time ago, you could compare yourself for 100 people might be thousand if you met with you in your life. So obviously people felt so great. And, you know, they had so much opportunity. Now these days, you can see almost the whole world in the Internet, and that can be so destroying for the people. If they don't see the uniqueness in themselves, you have to find that inside of yourself. And that's what they did in all the way back.

They didn't give a shit about what others are. Think about them. They stand up and other side give it up. You need to do exactly what 99% will not do. And that's what all of them do. Famous. And they are in the place. And they continuously doing because they don't give a damn about what others are want. They just follow us.

It.

Was easier to be who you wanted to be in the older days, like my parents generation say, because people were more respectful and you could be more of yourself.

I challenge that to be honest, because I think we have we're the generation right before us. If you were homosexual, you kept it a secret. In a lot of cases.

I.

Think there was a lot of TV programs, like sitcoms that were on when I was growing up, and they're not allowed to be on now because of how racist they were. There was so much sexism or sexist comedy. So I think what's different back. I think it's always difficult to compare errors because the predominant feeling now is like, there's so much technology, there's so much change. It's hard to keep up with. And I remember seeing someone showed someone's diary from the late 19th century, and there's so much technological change.

the fire of London, which was: 1516

And I think human dynamics are the same in every era is just the context in which we play in is different. So in relating this to relationships, I really like what Helen Fisher said. And Helen Fisher is a biologist, and I anthropologist, I think. But she studied relationships across time and across culture, from, like, Stone Age civilizations to all of these things. And she's always asked her her. But dating has changed, and she said, how can they? She said, we convention. The etiquette might change. But you can't change biology.

People still want the same core things. People. Yes, people want sex, but people also want romance. They want that feeling of being special and someone that's special to them, and they won't be companionship. The behavior might change. But deep down, that's what everyone wants, because you can't change biology, like, 10,000 years of history is not enough to change biology. So biologically, we are caveman. And so what changes is when you have, like, we have the Internet, we have more awareness and all this stuff. It changes.

It changes what you want. It changes the assumption, it changes the expectations. But really, we're all the same.

So I think what is happening is that the social context is changing because in the past, you would be in a community. Your own models would be within that community. The precious for cohesion would be from the members of that community. So you confirmed. So you got married, you stayed married. You are your children because you're a part and parcel of this hole that behaved in this manner. But now the Internet has allowed you to look at other role models, other norms. And we are curious. We earn for things that are unattainable.

We think that is the idea that we should strive for rather than the ideas that we're looking at are no longer the local heroes where we live, as you say. Well, not Angelina Julian, Black Pit. No, not them. Okay. Let's go for George Cone and me or whatever her name is. But those are now the ones that we are looking at. And they could be just as dysfunctional as we are. But we don't know, because advertising and the movies and all the rest of it, we get the gloss of pictures.

We don't get the Johnny Depth and his or whatever her name was. What was her name? Amber Heard or whatever her name was that went through the courts. We don't get that very often. So we think that they live this sugar coated life. That is what we should aspire to. And that is what it is going to be like. And there's nothing that is even remotely real about it. And I think that's where we do ourselves a disservice and buying into that. It's that Pinky stuff for one of a better word description, the Pinky hearts and the N.

All of that dirty stuff. This. Yeah, it's not real.

Yeah. When you say to all these, it came to my mind the story about Fort when he was introducing the way eight engine and all the engineers said to him, we can't make it. This is not exist so we can't make it. And he says, I don't care whatever you think or whatever you want. Guys, I want this and I don't care about time and money. I send back the engineers to do it. And guess what. Twelve months later it came up. So these days, what people are missing is the persistence.

h it, go with it. If it takes: 2030

Nobody wants to see problems. Everybody like to put under the carpet. And that's what missing these days. The sugar coated culture and a blaming culture, only somebody else fault. Guess what, take responsibility. Do something. What you can do today for your happiness.

So why go to alter and keep saying till death do us part and then they got over divorce the next day.

But if we don't teach resilience to our young ones, how are they expected to be with failure and to keep trying as you're saying it's practice it's, keep trying striving. But if you do not have the ability to withstand failure, the not back and start again to keep going, then the first hurdle you get to you are just going to say no, that's too hard and you give up and you go onto something else. We have a culture that is not wedded to the immediate response to everything.

And within that immediacy comes the immediate gratification, immediate response. You go on the Internet. You can read something in five minutes. The days when you had to read several hundred pages before you actually got somewhere in something you know, that made you feel as though you understood something. No, it's there. It's summarized for you in ten minutes. You can go through and you're off on something else. So we have have become what I would call little flies just landing, landing, landing all over the place on to new sources of food, in sampling, sampling, but not resting.

And therefore we have I don't know that we are patient anymore. To Asian is talking about to strive to try to improve, to build and that goes into a relationship. And once it's difficult, we think that I can bother that valve. Let's forget about that one. Let's go try to somebody else. It may be easier next time around. And so we give up and we move on to the next person. And it's difficult in another way. And we give up on that one and we go and and on and on goes.

That's very true. Sandra. You know what our parents most of the time teaching us, but that's a culture faultiness. It's called failed. Then you fail. You feel loser. Guess what. When I fail, actually using the words what others are, teach me first attempt in learning. That's all about. We're using incorrect in those words. Nothing is wrong or good or bad or something in a life. It's just a matter of the context how we want to put it. If I want to fail. Yes, that's good. I can do different ways.

Thank you for it. It's an opportunity for me. Thank you for that lesson. And I love dark.

I.

Came across one.

Someone told me, oh, was that a set of practice makes perfect practice.

Thanks. Doing.

And I really call it like that.

And.

If it falls down to trust a parenting, why these boys and girls are being badly, it's the way they're being brought up.

Well, I think.

So.

I think when you look at relationships, there's clear that our model is wrong. When you have more than 55% level of divorce, that means there's something systemically wrong. But what we have with society is we have people who either in the past got power from dictatorship or from popularity in democracy. And so what then happens is like to work in a Democratic system. You have to appeal to what most people want. And when you come from a structure that clearly doesn't know how relationships work. Okay, so we're in an age when a health Minister can't practice medicine, an education Minister isn't qualified to teach defense Minister probably couldn't fight in an army.

We've elected people to ideology.

So.

When you've got a system, so school is scored from this system. And so when we look at the curriculum changed, what's his name? Go. When Gov as education Minister, it changed because he liked English literature at school. He liked poetry. So English literature should be critical, because if you look at Gov is kind of like nerdy, and he doesn't know he's very good at four or creativity or technical subject like food and nutrition, wood tag, all that kind of stuff became had to be academic because Dove probably Sean in an academic environment and probably didn't like anything that was more practical.

So you've got schools are being run by ideology. And if the people who run the ideology don't know how relationships work, how can the parents who were getting a divorce and we can go back 50 years and they weren't having that level of divorce. But there was so much more abuse. There was so much more unhappiness in relationships, but there wasn't the freedom so you can't train what you don't know. And what is distinctive I feel about our era is that we're looking for emotional satisfaction, where once we were looking for physical survival and we're not equipped for that, our system is built up.

And it's the system which capitalism, which is capitalism, has built us to a level where we're financially rich, we secure, we have great health, our population is grand seven times in 100 years.

So.

But the things that we want now don't come from that capitalism. So what the thinking that is generated so much wealth is the idea that we're advertised to buy makeup when what they're really selling is hope. Like Charles Robson said, We're really selling Hope, where we're buying diamonds for engagement rings because the birds give us the story that you had to do. It was shameful. We're eating Kellogg's rubbish for breakfast because Kettles came up with a catch phrase that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

It was a lie. All of these were lies, but they appealed to fear or shame or something that made everyone comply to it. In the same way religion has took control of marriage. So marriage historically has nothing to do with religion. But religion and the law decided that they wanted to get involved. I think it was like first century that religion really got involved. So the vowels that you've got are set within a patriarchal system of a religious system that it was designed to control. And so when we look at okay, so one of the there are the ways that you can stop people talking or exposing something are shame.

You can make something so important and sacred, and you can't criticize religion because it's a sacrilege of what people believe. Like the pageantry of the Queen is so that we don't threaten the established order. Religions T if we're looking at Christianity, Jesus Christ had nothing to do with it. He didn't set up a Church. So Christianity has been people's interpretations. And when you got the Bible or Jesus Word, you can make that mean anything. And so this is where you have 30,000 plus the nominations of types of Christianity.

So what? The vows that people take are not unique. It's not someone saying that this is what I really believe. This is what I commit to if someone following a tradition because to not follow the tradition would upset their armor. I got married in the Catholic Church because the Church we're going to get to married to my wife there the vicar or whatever had this idea that if you live together, then you should have to come confess and ask for forgiveness. So we didn't get married there.

And I knew it would matter to my mom to get married in the Catholic Church. I didn't believe anything of the Catholic Church. So I got married there because I knew it would make her happy. So, like, those vowels meant nothing to me. And when I looked through the vowels, none of it makes sense because it's based on an idea of unconditional love, which we know from research people aren't capable of like the idea of staying together in sickness in the health. People don't do that because it doesn't fit the mode of the way people live.